Rough Draft

Gasp, Quotes

I'm not normally a big fan of posting quotes.  Mainly because what "touches" me won't necessarily touch you and you end up reading quotes that may or may not mean diddly squat to you.  Whenever I read a quote on a blog or Facebook something inside me screams: NO! NOT A STUPID QUOTE! (No offense.)  So, instead of just randomly posting quotes that have moved me in one way or another, I'll share why.  At least if you have to endure READING the damn quote, you can see a little backstory to WHY I personally liked it and since you are in fact at my blog you must care a little bit about WHAT I LIKE, right?

I thought so.

So, away we go...

"There is a gigantic difference between earning a great deal of money and being rich." -Marlene Dietrich.

It's not all about the money people! You can be rich without a dime to your name. 

"If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." -Lin Yutang

We are too rigid! We spend too many minutes spent in organized hell.  Let your hair down! Stop planning one play date and sport activity after another and let kids just play and have fun and even better if I can, for one useless afternoon, pretend I'm a kid and play and giggle right along side the kids!

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -unknown.

Amen.  This is one of those sayings that sound so damn good but it is SO HARD to not cry because it's over!!!!!  This is one of the reasons I love scrapbooking so much...not because of the pretty buttons or sparkly new embellishment but because with each page I do I can remember and enjoy the memory of what did happen before...it does bring a smile to my heart.  But, I still cry.

"What do I owe my father: everything." -Henry Van Dyke

My dad was someone who was there for me all the time.  In my corner.  Having my back.  Supporting me.  I knew he loved me without question or doubt. Sure, he wasn't perfect but for a little girl my dad was everything.  And I miss him every single day.

"Joy is not in things; it is in us." -Richard Wagner

Why is this so hard for people to get through their heads? Stuff does NOT bring happiness.  It only clutters our world with a temporary "fix" for pleasure.  And yet people think the more things they buy, the better they are, the richer they appear, or the pleasure they can finally prove to Mr. Jones next door.

"Then followed that beautiful season...Summer." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Where life seems simple and enjoyable.  People sit on the front porches and forget their problems while sipping lemonade as children play on tire swings...breathe in the summer warmth.

"Life brings simple pleasures to us every day.  It's up to us to make them wonderful memories." -Cathy Allen

Do you spot a trend here? We are constantly inundated with images of bigger, better, more, more, more will make you happy and blessed.  I feel like I am always swimming upstream because I don't believe in all that.  We recently sat down as a family to come up with traditions for every month and all them require very little "stuff" or money.  Just fun family time...TOGETHER.  And, I'm always about the simple pleasures (now, I don't ALWAYS recognize simple pleasures EVERY DAY...I wish I could say I did): the beauty of the trees (ask my kids, I'm always stopping on the side of the road so they can also admire...); the birds on our bird feeder and the joy whenever we spot the amazingly gorgeous cardinal; a gorgeous sky; the beauty of snow falling; a peaceful walk...

"Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons." -Ruth Ann Schabacker

How true and if only it were that easy.  Each day DOES come bearing its own gifts...sometimes in the form of a hug by a cranky/hormonal teenager or dinner that everyone loves or the dog snuggling up on your lap or finding a happy letter instead of a bill in the mailbox or reading a book that has you gripped or smiling from ear to ear when your kid brings home a paper with 100% on it.

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." -David Viscott

Ah, the sun's warmth...all cozy and bright...sometimes I feel there isn't enough sunshine in my life and the rainy days overshadow the sunny days.

"Sometimes I would almost rather have people take away years of my life than take away a moment." -Pearl Bailey

While I'm not sure I want the years to move any faster than they already are, but I love this sentiment! There are SO MANY moments that I will ALWAYS treasure and cherish! When my kids were born; my wedding reception; our honeymoon (ah, the BEST EVER vacation!!); cheering at Friday night football games; going to work with my dad and waiting for him to come home every afternoon outside sitting on the front step; fourth of July's at Uncle Pete's; Christmas Eve's with my family and Christmas Day with just my parents (when I was a kid); spending the night at my Nana's house where she gave me 7-up and drumstick ice cream cones and then padded the floor with pillows in case I fell off the couch!  I could write much more, but I'll stop...you get the idea.

This officially ends my long list of quotes I've been collecting.

Q and A

Best kitchen gadget

I would have to say, in a very retro-1970s-kind of way, is the trash compactor.  I know, right? Who has these dinosaurs anymore?  Well, we do in this house and I have to say, I balked at it at first but now I love it.  We go through way less "trash" by the end of the week and we make way less trips out to empty the trash can.  And the novelty hasn't worn off...the kids still LOVE to push the button!

What makes you laugh

Inside jokes and banter.

What is your dream job?

Sitcom writer.

What surprises you most about your adult life?

It is not all fun and glamorous that I thought it would be when I was a teenager.  Given the choice, I would take the innocent and carefree days of my youth when love was everywhere and more tangible.

The big decision I'm currently wrestling with is...

Who I have to sleep with to get back to Idaho.

What is your motto?

I'm not sure this is a "motto" per se, but it is something I say to the kids on a daily basis (more my "mantra"): THINK MORE, TALK LESS.

What superhuman power would you most want to have?

I'd like to be invisible.  Imagine ALL that you would hear behind closed doors!!! I think a lot of questions would be answered!!!

High road or the low road?

I guess it depends on the traffic on each...

What's the one thing you'll never understand?

When and how IT all went wrong.

What's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to you?

When my neighbors wanted to know what I was doing right because my boys are SUCH GOOD KIDS and that they are SO POLITE and sweet boys.  Ahhh....

My life would be simpler if...

I didn't try to complicate things.  In my heart I love simplicity but the influences of life seems to creep up and complicate matters! It is something I work at regularly.

Ah Halloween, How I Used To Love Thee

I used to love Halloween.  In fact, it was once my favorite holiday.  Something about the colors, the season, the bright orange pumpkins, the dressing up, and let's not forget the CANDY.  I loved spooky things, scary cemetery's, and haunted houses.

I remember Halloween as a kid too...

Dressing up at school for the parade in elementary school.
Dressing up in high school was always a blast!
My mom making chili almost every year.
Tammy spending the night and her and I searching for our candy loot in the middle of the night.
My dad burning the BBQ ribs because someone had shown up to buy my brother's El Camino.

When Larry and I got married we made our own tombstones with Styrofoam and grey spray-paint.  We had a coffin with a scary dude inside.  We had cobwebs and scary music playing from our front window.

Every year I made chili, like my mom used to.  The first year we were in Oceanside I made chili but added WAY TOO MUCH hot stuff and it was TOO HOT TO EAT.  Oops.  My parents would come over for dinner and I set the table in oranges, blacks, and yellows with pumpkins and candy corn.

Year after year I made chili, by now my own recipe that I devised, my parents would show up in time for the CRAZINESS that is Halloween with young kids and a busy doorbell.  All that was missing in those days was a crazy dog that barked every time the doorbell rang.

We finally had it down to a science.  My parents would show up by mid-afternoon and we ate my chili and cornbread early...then they helped us get the kids ready in their costumes and off we would all go...

Whoever got tired first...usually it was my dad...would venture back to the house to be the official "hander-outer" of candy to the trick-or-treaters.  Sometimes he would take a tired toddler with him.  We would all venture back, go through the kids candy, enjoy a few "stolen" pieces for ourselves, and get the kids in their PJs and off to bed.  The four of us would then either play some cards, watch a movie, etc.

When we moved to Idaho things changed a bit.  We no longer celebrated Halloween with my parents which was a very hard transition.  I missed them.  But, we knew that life changes and we tried our best to roll with the punches.  I continued to make chili but it was just Larry and I now at night getting kids ready and inspecting candy and hanging out after the kids have gone to bed, sugared up and exhausted.

2009.  Here we are at Halloween in the middle of nowhere.  With absolutely no one.  And for the first time in as long as I can remember I was dreading Halloween.

We didn't carve pumpkins.
I made chili but way too much of it, for who knows what reason.

I was ready for the night to be over before it even began.

I wasn't in the mood.
I was tired of walking around among the millions of kids, parents, strollers, and Scream guys.
It was by far the most mellow night...weather-speaking...since we moved out of Oceanside (it was about 65 degrees!).
We went trick-or-treating with friends we met when we first moved here (they were new too) and after the kids (our three and they have FOUR) got their fill we all ventured back here...seven sugar-high kids and clearly not enough wine for me.

The dog, despite us giving her a pill to mellow her out, was excitable to say the least with our friends four kids running around and the doorbell going off every other second.

And, the fact that I was spending a holiday, the first (and easiest) of many more to come in the next couple of months, was depressing and made me sad and cranky and down.  Yes, we have each other...yes, we forge ahead with new rituals to call our own...yes, we must accept change...yes, we must redefine our new reality...yes, things may get easier with time...yes, change is exciting...yes, we are making good memories for our children to remember...and anything else that everyone seems to be saying to me since this whole Pennsylvania thing started.  I KNOW.  But, no matter what the words are, the emotions remain.  We are alone out here.  It IS hard to be by yourselves on a holiday...even a silly little one like Halloween.

The Cemetery

Earlier this week we took the kids to the cemetery up the street.  It is a large cemetery with hills and big, beautiful trees.  It is also separated by a small river between the very old section and the newer section.  The kids thought it would be a spooky/fun thing to do for Halloween.  So, as the sun was beginning to set one evening, we all ventured out to the old section of the local cemetery.

As we pulled up we noticed only one car around which belonged to the groundskeeper of the cemetery.  He nodded to us as we walked by in search of some really old tombstones.  The shadows from the trees were beginning to totally creep us out and Jennifer gripped my hand tighter!

We passed tombstone after tombstone dating back hundreds of years.  We were engrossed with one poor chap when a guy dressed in what appeared to be a Civil War Soldier's uniform approached us.

"Are you new here?" The man with the dark blue uniform said.
"Mom, he's creepy looking!" Jennifer whispered in my ear.
"Yes, we are."
"You from the south?" The man said.
"No, we are actually from Idaho."
The man with dirty hands and a face that was in desperate need of shaving (he was really into this Halloween costume thing, I thought) looked at us blankly.
"What are you dressed as?" Josh asked the man.
"Dressed as? Why I am a Union Soldier in the American Civil War!"
I nudged Josh to show him that other people are in fact interested in history enough to dress like a Civil War soldier for Halloween!
"What is your name?" Josh continued to be fascinated with this man.
"Richard Barnard" He said.
"Well, good to meet you Mr. Barnard" I said as I urged the kids and Larry to move away from the man and on with our tombstone search.

We walked away from Mr. Barnard and continued looking at the old tombstones when Harrison called out, "Mom! Dad! Come and look at this!"

He was standing in front of a tombstone which read, "Richard Barnard, died 1863."

"So, he was just messing with us." Josh said.
"Where did the man go mom?" Jennifer said to me as we all looked around.
"I don't know."
"He was just right there.  How far could he have gone?" Harrison said.

We looked down the road, across the small river.  We looked up the hill at the newer section.  We looked around the large water fountain in the center of the old section. 

The solider was gone.

Larry went up to the groundskeeper who was closing up the shed for the night and heading for his car, "excuse me? Did you see a man dressed up like a Civil War solider walking around?"
"Richard Barnard?" the groundskeeper said.
"YES! That was the name he said but we just spotted a tombstone with that name on it and it says  Richard Barnard died in 1863."
"He did die in 1863." The groundskeeper said quietly.

Calling It What It Is

The schools here in this town are one step short of Crazy Nazi.

Parents can't walk the halls.  Ever.
If the kids are absent, besides calling in the absence, you have to fill out and sign a note, in triplicate, and get it notarized.
They don't encourage you walking or driving your child to school, but instead support and stand behind the whole bus riding experience.
This is a school that not only has their system down to a well-oiled machine, but they take their Crazy directly to CrazyTown.

However on Halloween they allow the children to come dressed.

You mean they aren't worried that some little first grader is going to be packing heat?
Or you aren't afraid to offend the one kid in school who doesn't celebrate Halloween?
Or you aren't worried that by allowing the kids to dress up you are supporting Satan?

Of course, a note came home that outlined the restrictions and rules and requirements and then say things like, "To avoid chaos and confusion at the end of the day, parents are requested not to pick up their children but to please allow them to ride the bus home."

Huh? (See.)

In both Oceanside and Idaho we were never allowed to dress the kids up for Halloween. In fact, they didn't even call it Halloween...

It was Fall Harvest party.
Or, Pumpkin Galore Day.
Pumpkins-a-Plenty.
Make Believe Celebration.
Say No To Satan!
All Treats Day.
Autumn Glory.
Let's Celebrate Fall Before Winter Hits.
Last Day Of October Celebration.
Apple Picking Party.
Celebrating The Color Orange Day.
It's Fall! Let's Have A Fruit and Cheese Platter (no candy please) Party!
Polly Pumpkin Party!
Pumpkin Parties Are So First Grade.  We Are Roasting Pumpkin Seeds Day!
The Leaves Are Changing Celebration.
Autumn Harvest.
Chilly Fall Harvest.
Pumpkin Fall Harvest, with a side of Apples! Yeah! Let's Party!

Jennifer decided to not wear her Witch's costume...that she plans to wear tomorrow night...and instead dig through our two overstuffed totes of costumes that many at one point belonged to my parents.

She spotted an Indian dress costume that I don't really remember seeing but must have worn myself at some point since it fits her perfectly.  She tried it on and claimed she wanted to be Sacajawea! (I don't think I even knew who Sacajawea was in third grade!)

So, I braid her hair, put a couple of feathers in and off I take her to school.  We are waiting in line and every kid getting out of the car is not dressed in costume but are carrying bags.

Shiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

There is a knot in my stomach but I don't want to voice my concern because I don't want to draw the fact to Jennifer's attention.

What the hell is going on here?

Let me just say that I have stumbled over myself more times than I care to count or admit.  FUCK! You would think that I have never had my children in public schools before.  I have had to be "told" many times of the things I must not do.  To say it is frustrating is a huge understatement.  Especially when it directly affects my daughter.  It is one thing if I'm told that I can't walk my daughter INTO school and God Forbid up the stairs and down the damn halls...but, to send my daughter as Sacajawea, minus the baby, when everyone else is wearing sweats and t-shirts with their costumes in bags, is not a moment that goes down in Good-Mommy-History.

And, as luck would have it, the place we drop the kids off is right where the Principal stands every morning to greet the kids.  (Shiiiittttttttttttttt.) I think my face was fifty shades of red and my stomach felt like I had a ninety-pound boulder in it.  Nothing is worse than sending your child off and hoping you didn't just cause her to be teased or made to feel uncomfortable.  Ugh.

The Principal motioned how great she looked and how much he liked her hair and I just drove off in my Stupid-Not-From-Here nonchalant way as if I too could understand their vague rules and brought my daughter with her costume in a bag.   Because, apparently, people around here just KNOW all this shit.

This is what the first paragraph of the note says:

"On Friday, October 30, we will be observing Halloween with a party and parade.  Costumes should not be so elaborate as to overly restrict movement or require a great deal of time to get ready."

It goes on to talk about weapons and hair paint and so on.

I just figured they wanted kids to be dressed in a way that will allow them to sit at their desk, able to bend down to get water from the fountain, and can carefully walk down the stairs.  They didn't want everyone taking hours in the morning to get ready.

It wasn't until I got home and re-read it did I see the vague oversight.

"...or require a great deal of time to get ready."

Crap. Shit. Fuck.

How about this teachers:

DO NOT DRESS YOUR CHILD AT HOME.  BRING THEIR COSTUME IN A BAG AND THE KIDS WILL BE GIVEN TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE PARADE TO CHANGE INTO THEM.  NOTE: DO NOT SEND THEM DRESSED IN COSTUME! THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

Or is it just me? Am I just a stupid dumb-ass here?

I think I'll go and roast some pumpkin seeds and call it a Fuck Fall Party and hope that I won't miss her parade in a couple of hours which starts at promptly 11:09...

Gun Shy

Dealing with the aftereffects of a layoff, even though ours was over a year ago and it has been officially a year since Larry started working out here, has taken its toll...emotionally and oh-boy-financially.

You wouldn't think.

At least I never did.

Who gets laid off? I don't know.  That one over there and oh yeah, so and so. ("What a shame" and "That's too bad".)

It has never hit home before and unfortunately I am still feeling rather gun shy.

When I talk to Larry during the day and he says he has to go because he has a meeting...I fret.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I can't help it.  A part of me says, "oh no".

I drive around and don't feel any desire to buy (or build) another home (although the kids have mentioned that they want to build our Idaho home up here...hmmm...) whatsoever.  It saddens me that the laying down roots that come with home ownership is simply not in me right now.

The anxiety has been sparked recently when the local news channels are constantly announcing one layoff after another (and everyone I meet are SHOCKED that we moved HERE for work when so many are moving OUT because they have lost their jobs...).  And, even more scary: the layoffs are predominately in IT.  And here we thought that was a safe and secure line of work.  Silly us.

Larry keeps assuring me that his job is safe and his company is big and strong ("grrrr") but even they have froze all raises for 2009 (and the jury is still out for 2010 if the freeze will be lifted) which I guess is better than losing another job.

Now, don't get me wrong here.  I don't lie awake at night waiting for the other shoe to fall.  There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful that my husband has a job and most importantly, a job he loves.  But, now that it has happened once, I am no longer innocent in the ways of layoffs and its ill-effects.  Ah, life.

Facebook

It is a sad, sad day when all day long random facebook updates and blog post titles fills my head.  It is constant and pathetic. 

Because there is a level of decorum and, let's face it, some degree of dignity (who wants to hear about me all day long?! I know! Me either!) I do not post every thought that rumbles in this head of mine.  What's a girl to do?  Why, post it on her blog, of course!

So, here you have random facebook updates that have not seen the light of day...

We are nearing the end of the quarter and shit is going to hit the fan.
I feel totally out of the loop.
I hate it here.
Why can't people see what they themselves do as they point the finger at others?
Wonders where it all went wrong.
To the middle school boy who was walking in circles around his backpack before the bell rang: stop doing that you look like a fool and the other kids are going to make fun of you!
I am dreading the onset of the holidays.
Should feel happy and glad, but I don't.
Grateful Smateful.
Get over yourself.
To the bastard in the New York plates on my ass on the freeway the other day: Get. Off. My. Fucking. Ass.
Can someone please pass me some cheery/happy/wonderful pie? Just a slice should do the trick. Oh, a-la mode if you can spare it.
What is with the crazy asses around here?
There goes another fire truck/ambulance/police car...
There isn't enough coffee in the world to fix this.
The damn dog better stop barking at rabbits or I'm going to fry her up with a little ginger and garlic.
Why do my boys find it difficult to do general hygiene? It doesn't seem to matter how many times I stress the importance of shampoo, deodorant, and toothpaste.  Ugh!
Lost.
Enough already.
It is all so different than I ever imagined.

Mother Of The Year

You ever do something that you think nothing of until it is too late?  And then you feel so horrible that you wonder what the hell made you do it?

A total DUH moment.

Since it is the season of Halloween there have been endless short "videos" on Facebook that make you look at a calm, peaceful scene only to have your nose up to the computer screen when out of the blue a scary "ghost/monster/zombie" type guy appears and is screaming at you.  Even though I know it is coming, I jump every damn time!

Well, there was this boat scene and the zombie/ghost appeared and the kids saw it and Jennifer laughed and loved it and kept asking me to show her the "boat video".

Thought nothing of it.

Then, another short video appeared where a car drives along a gorgeous, scenic road and then this zombie/ghost guy screams at the screen.

I figured the kids would love it.

They come home from school and I set up the video and show them.

Jennifer JUMPED.  She was visibly frightened.  I hugged her and told her it was the same as the boat one she seemed to like so much.

Since the video (couple of days ago) she refuses to go upstairs alone to brush her teeth in the morning claiming MONSTERS are up there.  Sigh.

Last night she called for Larry twice after she went to bed claiming she was scared to be in her room without any lights on.  He turned on a closet light.  This morning I found her at the foot of my bed, with pillow and blanket, sleeping.  Sigh.

Tonight, she won't go upstairs to change into her PJ's and she won't walk into the laundry room to throw her socks in the laundry shoot because she is too scared after the "car video".  Sigh.

She is laying on the couch, near tears, because the "car video" keeps coming to her mind and she is scared.  She said at school she thought about it several times and was scared there too.

Oh. My. God.

I feel like shit.  What the hell was I thinking?!?  What did I do?!  And, most importantly, how do I make her not so scared now that I've damaged her for life?!

I told her whenever she thinks of the scary car video to think of a row of cute puppies barking instead.  Ruff, ruff, pick me! Pick me!

I also told her that the whole thing is just a big pretend movie (like Underdog or Mamma Mia) where the scary zombie/ghost guy is just an actor...maybe a dad living in Florida with his three kids, two girls and a boy (Ainsley, Paige, and Blaine), and they live very close to DisneyWorld where they go every weekend to ride on Dumbo and order yummy pineapple pizza to take back home where their cute little Labrador puppy, Daisy, waits patiently for them.  After pizza they make s'mores outside and watch the rainbow appear in the sky.

Oy.

Silence

I am not a confrontational person.  I find solace in my words. There is a peace within when I am able to express myself through the written word. 

Silence is painful.

I would rather argue with someone and confront issues or deal with anything I might have said (or, God forbid, write, which happens more often than not I'm afraid).  In another words, I would opt to argue and scream and yell, if that is what it would take, than to hear nothing.

The silence is painful.

The silence leaves a lot of questions.  Self-doubt.  Concern.  Hurt.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I DO NOT want to argue and fight ALL. THE. TIME. In fact, I would rather not.  I would rather we just talk if there is a problem...if I've done something wrong or hurtful...if I have said something that hurt you or made you mad.  Let me know.  We don't have to go around and around for three weeks discussing a sentence that offended, but I would rather that than silence...

I think the worst part about silence is that it leaves you empty.  Like someone just punches you in the stomach for no apparent reason.  Maybe you have a reason, but because the silence is better on your end, the pain continues on my end.

I believe that for some relationships there are seasons.  Some relationships exist for only a short time and of course you don't realize that until it comes to an end.  Maybe relationships you had early on change naturally as we grow and change through life.  Relationships that are not nurtured also wither and die over time, as they must, because true relationships take care, comfort, concern, attention, and work.

At what point do you decide that the work is no longer worth it?  Is it over a past hurt that was never addressed and then grown to giant snowball size?  Is it because you move apart and the gap is now too wide?  Do you grow and change in ways that no longer work with one another?

I have dealt with many relationships that have decided to move on and away for reasons simply unknown to me.  This has left me on more than one occasion scratching my head and licking my wounds.  Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of relationships over the years that have naturally moved apart...lives change, people move, you mature.  But, I am mainly referring to the relationships that one day seem fine and moving along nicely and then as if a light switch has been turned off: POOF. 

Some of these relationships have gone by the wayside because of misplaced expectations.  One has been over the inability to deal with jealousy and the decision to ignore my feelings in a mature way.  And yet another, a mystery.

In all the cases, it appears SILENCE has been the common thread.

Perhaps some relationships could be salvaged if there was communication opposed to silence.  At one point do you decide that the relationship is not worth the confrontation required and therefore severing the ties for good?  I do believe that, looking back, many relationships just run their course and they were there for a season of your life and when it ends, it simply ends.

But, how do you wrap your head around the situation when it involves family?  That gets a little trickier and yet it happens all the time, as it has happened to me.  I have forgiven the painful decisions that my husbands family inflicted, but because of silence, I will never really understand or know what and where and when the issue began.  I may have forgiven them, but I can't seem to forget and question myself and my actions and "what if" to death.

Or, a longtime friend? Not just a neighbor you happen to meet and your kids end up playing together and you have a few things in common and you begin a friendship and it is all good until one thing changes and you look back and realize that perhaps there was not enough foundation to began with? It may be painful at first, especially since, again, you are unaware of what and where and when the issue began because of SILENCE, but when you have distance you realize as well that there is not a lot lost over the relationship.  It was only for a season.

But when you are dealing with people that you have been close to for almost your entire life, the ties and bonds are much, much deeper.  The pain more hurtful.  Do you succumb to the silence and give up? Do you continue putting your heart on your sleeve only to look, time and time again, like a fool?

Because at each corner you are only left with silence.

SILENCE.

And the silence is painful...

Because you are left wondering.  You are left self-doubting. You are left bruised.  You are left more damaged than when you began.  You are left with a host of memories with nowhere to go because the thoughts then become painful.  You are left sad and down.

I'm not sure I understand the silence.  And this from someone who hates confrontation and would rather not fist fight at every holiday or gathering.  I would rather put on a happy face and get along, even if at times I don't feel especially happy.

But, the silence is aggravating.

I try to be a good friend.  The people in my circle, I care about DEEPLY.  We all get busy with our lives, but I try to keep connections.  No, I'm not very good with picking up the phone.  And, I'm aware that my words have effected a handful of relationships over the years...although, I try and handle it with a degree of delicacy.  I do not set out to hurt people: friends, neighbors, or family. 

I have been keeping this post in my head for months. Months and months.  I wake up with it and I go to bed with it.  I drive with it.  I shower with it.  I brush my teeth with it.  I walk the dog with it.  I don't know what else to do with it. 

And I don't know what else to do with the silence.  I am drowning in it.  And yet, I cannot keep getting rejected because not only is it now humiliating for me, but with each turn, it becomes more and more painful. 

I have to find a way to sail on...despite my sadness, despite my intense heartbreak, despite my desire to do something with all the silence...so I can move forward with yet another loss in my back pocket. 

The silence is painful.

JUMP

Okay this is my new favorite way to take photos of my kids.  There is something so cute and innocent and simple about snapping a photo of kids suspended in mid-jump.  You want to try it now, don't you? (You're welcome!)