Wings

 

Life is so bittersweet.

I can't tell you how  many times I wanted my oldest to grow up from the toddler/young child stage because he was busy, loud, active, temperamental, and exhausting.

This year my oldest will be seventeen and while he can still be the loudest, busy, active, temperamental, and exhausting he is also sweet and caring and loving and smart and creative and a good kid.  And I...despite the teenage stage we are in throes of...enjoy being around him.

I have always tried to instill in my kids that they should have their own wings to fly and to not feel guilty or bad about flying the coop, when the time comes.

I have many regrets in my old life that stem from not being able to freely fly the nest and therefore at age 45 I have guilt that sits comfortably on my shoulders and at times it is overwhelmingly tiresome.

A few days ago my son came home with yet another culinary school (in Oregon) he wants to apply to at the end of the year.  Suddenly, it all feels close.  Then he said that when he was done with culinary school he wants to get a job as a pastry chef in a big hotel in Vegas. 

A part of me wants to sing from the top of a building! My son has absolutely no problem with being able to fly...he feels no guilt, thankfully, about leaving his parents home and finding his own way in this life.  YIPPIE!!! In this one small area, I feel success as a parent.

And another part of me wants to crawl into bed and bury my head and cry and forget that time continues to march forward, like it or not, and I don't want my baby to go anywhere!  

What gets me through is thinking how EVERY single parent faces this sort of crossroads in life and the ultimate end to child raising.  And they all seem to exit more or less unscathed.

I will miss him terribly.  The noise, the arguments, the kid.  I can't even imagine my daily life without him around and underfoot.  My God! And yet I know that I will continue to encourage him without guilt to find his own way in the world so he can make his own life.

This is the shit that no one tells you about when you are pregnant or dealing with a child you are trying to potty train and you are in the trenches of what seems like endless time-outs and bedtime routines. 

I'm beyond anxious and excited to see what doors he chooses to open and the path and roads he decides to travel on and I will always be his number one cheerleader...but, dammit if I don't wish I could kinda turn the clocks back and go back to the crazy time when the kids were all so little and thoughts of college were buried under mounds of Cheerios and sippy cups. 

Comments

[Maria]

What a great blog today Natalie. I really enjoy reading them.

[Teri]

Portland has a great culinary school. and isn't too far from Boise - I think about 6 hours. We are here and our boys are here.... not that he'd want to see us.....but he should check it out.

[natalie]

Thanks, Teri...I told him this morning to look up the culinary school in Portland! I would love if he was close to family... :) And, I have wanted to say this for a long time: I think you and Bob have done an amazing job as parents!!! Truly...I am constantly in awe and I can only hope my three turn out as well as your three. I wish we lived closer still...