Yesterday I was watching The View (don't judge me) and they had Marlo Thomas as a guest. One of the co-hosts asked Marlo the secret to her 30+ year marriage to her husband, Phil Donahue?
Her answer: we support one another's dreams.
Bingo.
I don't think there is one magic formula for every marriage but whatever it is that makes the two of you tick is what should be the focus every single day. I know for myself I could NEVER be with someone who didn't support my dreams or who made me feel bad all the time or who was rude, mean, controlling, or an overall asshole. I just couldn't do it. I dated a few of those types of guys back in the day and I believe wholeheartedly that we didn't work out because that type of guy is just not a connection for me.
You hear about a lot of girls who marry guys like their dad.
I didn't and those that know my husband and my dad will understand how far I went in opposites.
I always felt that I had a dad, whom I love very, very much and wouldn't change one thing about him. He was fantastic, loving, supportive, and kind...but, I didn't need to "marry my dad".
But I also knew that growing up in a family where my parents, both Italian, both stubborn, both argumentative at times, both with short(ish) fuses (maybe at times one more than the other), both passionate about their point of view, and both prone to be the bull with the biggest balls in the relationship, was mentally draining at times.
Oy.
As a kid in the middle of all that: EXHAUSTING.
I'm not saying they had a terrible marriage: they didn't. They were married 54 years before my dad died. But they were both so much alike that it made me, as a child of their union and an observer, overwhelmed and tired of listening to the bickering, the yelling, the arguing, and the butting heads.
And because of how my parents were I think on some level I knew I didn't want THAT TYPE of relationship.
I'm not after a volatile relationship. In all honesty, it rather exhausts me both mentally and physically when I have too much of the volatility in my life. I'm not saying we should go about asleep in our relationships but not everything, nor everyday should bring about that kind of drama.
I'm also not here to say how perfect my marriage is. It isn't. After almost 21 years we both know how to push the right buttons. He annoys me at times and I'm sure I annoy him as well...if eye rolling is any indication. We argue. We disagree. He pisses me off and I piss him off.
But here is what does work: he is very supportive of me and my dreams. His number one priority is to make me happy. How many men actually do that? Or, even FEEL that way about their wives? When I was writing my novel last month he made a point of making sure he kept the kids out of my office and busy so they wouldn't disturb me. He is patient and such a present father...he listens to them, he supports them, he encourages them, he teaches them, he will sit with one of them for hours until they understand the math problems. Sure, he comes off as passive and quiet...and at times he is those things but I don't happen to think those are bad traits. Some may assume that I wear the pants in the marriage because I am the loud, outspoken Italian...and at times that is true too...but in all honesty I am an introvert and while I can most certainly speak my mind and if I feel strongly about something I will become quite passionate but there are MANY times when I will simply take the backseat and let the "drama" play out around me. My husband is way more laid back. He has a MUCH LONGER fuse before he becomes angry or enraged and it just isn't his personality to come at someone with a mouth of fire. That just isn't his M.O. and that is what I love about him.
He is kind to other people (the exception being the one guy on Christmas who, without knowing what side was up nor the err in what he was actually saying, insulted my husband not just to his face but to Harrison and Larry to this day is bitter towards this guy, and could care less if he is ever in the same room with him again. Outside of this one guy I can't think of anyone whom he has truly spoken ill of). He is kind to my family when at times I'm not sure it is warranted. He is kind to my friends when at times I'm not sure it is warranted. He is kind to our children. He is patient with most people. He is not a huge talker but he isn't a lump on the sofa either. He is smart and funny and well educated and a hardworker.
The part that most people never get a chance to see is the part of our relationship that is the basis of what makes our marriage tick day after day, month after month, year after year...because it is the part that exists inside our four walls 24/7. The part that includes the way we handle stress and parenting. The part where every single decision we make together. It may seem like I am being the loud, outspoken one who is demanding this or that but what people don't see is the conversations beforehand...before the decision...when we talk, write it out, ponder, discuss, and discuss some more. I just happen to be the one to voice it all, usually. Oh sure, I have whims and crazy ideas and he is usually willing to make it happen...like when I wanted the shelves dismantled off the wall of the two car garage and moved to the third bay.
We discuss everything. We make decisions about EVERYTHING together. We don't make ANY purchases, big, small, or minor, without having some kind of conversation beforehand. We talk money all the time. We budget together. We pay our bills together. We save money together. We talk about the kids, the house, the yard, the relatives, the friends, the school, the work, the neighbors, the to-do list, the shopping list, and the monthly menu. We talk about the future, our past regrets, what we should have done, and our past that only the two of us share when we both lived in Los Angeles and San Diego (and Pennsylvania). We talk about television shows, books, and the weather. We talk about goals and dreams and the hopes we have for our kids. We talk about what stresses us out. We talk about what upsets us or makes us happy. In another words, what most people don't ever see is how often we talk about the mundane and the biggie hot topics that make some people shy away from their partners. We are open and everything is on the table.
Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter how much money we make or what kind of cars we drive, or how perfect our home is, or how many vacations we take, or how many toys can be crammed into our garage and home...we are more about making sure our relationship is solid...that we both try and make one another happy...that we raise good, honest, decent, hardworking children...that we come together when times are tough or stressful...that he is my shoulder at times when I can't think straight and visa-versa.
So, I kinda have to laugh when people rush to certain conclusions about my husband, and about me too. Assuming that because I can be talkative that my husband, the quiet one, is weak and passive and insignificant. I can't change other peoples feelings towards us, and that is fine with me because I am confident that through it all...the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the depressing, the moving, the being apart, the chaos, the stress, the joys...we have weathered it. We may not be the richest, we may not have "big important jobs", we may have a simpler life with older cars and few "toys" but we are happy and content and our marriage is solid and I like to think it is pretty damn good. And, that because of the kind of marriage we have, that we have a pretty good life too.
How many people can truly say that? I don't think the divorce rate would be as high as it is if more people had marriages that were truly about making their partners happy, where both partners were content with what they have, and they are truly together through all of the big and little moments of everyday life (nothing makes me happier than a quiet, simple evening at home, together).
Then the life you have built together will mean everything.
