I have a lot of things that belonged to my dad. I have keys, t-shirts, small little treasures, cuff links, and so on. When I look at these items I feel warm and sad and happy and heartbroken but I enjoy the items all the same.
When my mom was here visiting late summer she mentioned the box of ties that belonged to my dad that she had in her closet. Josh said he would love papa's ties and would she send them to him? She promised she would.
When the box of ties came I opened them up and saw all my dad's beautiful ties rolled up nicely in rows.
And I cried. And cried.
I have my dad's t-shirts hanging in my closet and the sight of them just makes me pause and smile. Larry and Josh both wear a ton of my dad's shirts but nothing seems to be effecting me quite like the ties.
Josh and Harrison have both worn my dad's old ties and even thinking about it now I am tearing up. Tonight, Josh dressed up for a Christmas party at his school and he wore one of my dad's red ties. And I cried.
I am not sure what it is about these ties that touch a part of me that makes me so incredibly sad. It doesn't matter that he has been gone almost six years...I miss him the same as I did six years ago and I have a sinking feeling I will miss him the same for the rest of my life.
But meanwhile those ties are killing me.
I see Josh in them and I think, "my dad would get such a kick out of Josh right now." Seeing his grandson grown up and taller than even Larry. Seeing his grandson with his shaved face, deeper voice, practicing driving in the minivan that my dad had bought way back when so my family of four (at the time) could ride in the same car with my parents when we went places. Now Josh is driving that car. Seeing Josh at the point where he is a year away from graduating high school and thinking back to my dad watching Josh at one of his preschool performances where Josh spent half the event in tears. This is the same little boy with long curly hair that my dad used to drive around in his golf cart and show Josh the boats that were parked below the clubhouse (because Josh would INSIST that papa take him to see the "two boats!") God, time goes fast. And despite the speed of the ticking clock, life continues to change.
And when I see my boys in the ties that my dad once wore I can totally see my dad standing there. My dad didn't really wear ties that often, funny enough. It isn't like he went to work in them everyday. Quite the opposite. But, my parents went out a lot and my dad was often in a suit and tie. Every one of those ties in the box my mom sent reminds me of a time, a year, a moment that I saw my dad wearing a tie.
And my heart breaks. I miss him so much I can't even begin to express it fully through words.
For whatever reason these ties touch a part of me that makes me incredibly sad that my dad isn't in my world anymore. That I can't hear his voice or talk to him. That I can't ask him something or tell him about the kids or that I love him.
All this out of a box of ties. Go figure.
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