Okay, before I delve down this ugly road that some may wonder why the hell I am even still talking about it, let me explain something. The years that led up to and included our stint in Pennsylvania is now forever part of the fabric of our life and therefore will always pop up in thought and conversation, probably forever.
That being said, I am not sitting here every day dwelling and pondering and so on...however, there are moments that pop up that causes me pause or there is an occasional comment from someone that makes me think about something. I realize that the past is past and it was what it was...and whatever other cliche phrase that can be tacked onto this situation feel free to insert here.
In the meantime, these are the thoughts and conversations I have had recently regarding Pennsylvania in general.
1. I believe that despite the fact that I disliked old-and-run-down-and-tired Scranton, if we had SOLD our house in Idaho we would still be living in Pennsylvania today. Whether it was fate or not, I'm not sure. I would not have ventured back, alone or otherwise, if we had sold this house.
2. I truly disliked renting...both there and here...and realized that that wasn't for me. I enjoy being in my own home and I do wonder if we had had a newer home (because our subdivision out there was amazingly beautiful) that was ours, maybe I would have embraced it better? Hindsight, blah blah blah, I know. Just makes me wonder. Of course, that would have gone along well with #1 above.
3. My mom told me recently that people have commented to her that I should have just pulled up my bootstraps and stayed where my husband was working. For some reason when she said this to me recently it really stung. And yet I can hardly argue with why people feel that way. I would say for most that is a true statement and maybe I should have pulled up the bootstraps or my big girl panties or whatever strong and determined people do in situations like that, but at the end of the day my unhappiness was palatable. And, unless you are the one in the middle of all that yuck, you can't possibly understand.
4. It was a truly tough gig out there. I know I've said this before...but so many people I met, maybe as much as 90%, either grew up in Moscow or Scranton or another nearby borough/township, and/or has family in and around there or the east coast in general. I met no one in the year I was there from anywhere west of the Mississippi. When I told people we came from Idaho, they looked as though they never heard of the state before. Therefore, making friends was tough. No one was looking for a west coast girl to join any of their get togethers and that made for a very lonely existence.
5. There are lots of moments when I wish I was closer to the history part again. I loved the FEELING of that part of the country...the history...the storybook autumns and winters...the New England-ish life (Pennsylvania is not technically part of "New England")...New York City, etc. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. But, those are the parts that I did like and I still think fondly on that aspect of life in Pennsylvania. I still wish I was a couple of hours away from NYC or Gettysburg. I still wish I could experience the autumn in Pennsylvania again because it was breathtaking in colors I had never seen in nature before. I wish I had made it to the places we were SO CLOSE to and yet now so far...like Civil War battlefields/trails, Washington DC, NYC again, Vermont, the beaches, and so on.
6. With my study on the battles of Gettysburg Larry made a comment about how far we are NOW from Gettysburg and it should have been something I thought about BEFORE we left. True. And, it does make me a little bummed out that if we had stayed in Moscow I could have driven to Gettysburg by myself anytime I needed/wanted to for research, etc. Dammit.
7. I harbor a little bit of guilt that I try not to dwell on but this is probably the biggest trigger for me. Larry left a great company with amazing benefits and every time I see a UPS truck drive by, I get a little kick in my stomach. And, because his job here is not the most stable, if you will, it makes me lose a bit of sleep if I think about it too much. I am more than happy to be all together again but a part of me wonders if I caused an unnecessary problem for us.
8. Whenever there is an, um, "issue" with anyone Larry will joke, "If we stayed in Pennsylvania we wouldn't be dealing with this right now..." Again, true. ;)
9. The amount of money we spent over three years and five moves back and forth and around the corner makes me kinda sad in a stressed sort of way. Again, it's done. It's over (you can say that again). It's a closed book but I can't help from occasionally thinking, "dammit, we spent SO MUCH MONEY!!!"
10. I miss their pizza. It was absolutely the best.
11. I also miss the education the kids were getting. It didn't cost us a thing (of course we would have paid PLENTY if we had owned our own home) and the teachers and schools were amazing and excellent!!
12. I don't think I will ever get that smell of mold and mildew out of my head. I mourn what it did to some of my antiques...
So, while I am glad to be back in Idaho and out of a tiny suburb of Scranton, there is a part of me that...gasp, I can't believe I'm going to say this...misses SOME of what Pennsylvania was and what it could have been for us and I especially will always miss the opportunities for historical places within arms reach and when I hear about Pennsylvania or see something on television or in print, I sort of feel a little pang. (Of course, the pang could be that I am: a) off my fucking rocker and needs something stronger than coffee every morning; or, b) extremely bi-polar.)
And, a quote that seems to sum up nicely my feelings about this whole experience:
"Nothing is worth anything if you aren't happy."
Amen.
every place does have there ups and downs. and i could have shouted amen too when i saw the "nothing is worth anything if you aren't happy".
i'm going to have to bookmark this post for when i'm feeling in the mood to move back to north dakota becuase of family. but i know i truely wouldn't be happy there.
Posted by: nicole | Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at 01:48 PM