Rough Draft

What Is Success?

We had this conversation at dinner the other night when we happened to get onto the subject of...gasp...Charlie Sheen.

As a parent it makes me cringe when I think that my kids are looking up to a guy like that who womanizes and is an addict.  But, they love him because of the show he used to star in.  So, when I said that I felt the guy was a loser because he is on drugs (maybe he is in recovery, who knows), is an alcoholic, and womanizes (i.e. sleeps around but Jennifer was at the table and even at that word she had to remind us that "I'm at the table, you know!") and therefore I don't think of him as anything but a loser.

They said: Yeah, but he makes lots of money, mom!

Ah.

There it is again.  Curses to a society that we are engulfed in that places men (and women) who make a lot of money as Gods and are therefore deemed as truly "successful".  Josh said, "Mom, how can he be a loser if he has been so successful in his career?"

Because I don't put THAT kind of emphasis on success.  I don't think that people should be placed higher on a pedistol and awarded with the title and crown of "success"  just because someone makes a lot of money.  They can still be jerks, losers, and assholes.

You can be successful and HAPPY in your life and your career without the presence of money.  That was kind of the point I was trying to get across to my kids.  Not sure we are done with this topic because I do not want them to go through life thinking that in order to be a success you  have to make a lot of money.  That you can go through life treating women badly, drinking too much, taking drugs, being an inconsiderate asshole and yet if you make plenty of money then you are SUCCESSFUL and should be looked up to.  Gawd.  Yuck! 

I also reminded my kids that Charlie Sheen got lucky.  (No, we didn't discuss his luck with women, thankyouverymuch.)  He got lucky in this career of his.  I mean, for starters he had a famous father who was already an actor and I don't care how often these people change their names around or act like they did it all on their own without the aid of the famous family member, THAT FACT HELPS.  Please.  And, is the guy really that great of an actor?  I get he is funny.  And, I do think he is funny on that show, however, he isn't really acting.  He is just being himself. 

Then I asked the kids if they still consider him successful if...just based on this "fabulous career" of his...that he managed to shut down his entire show for a period of time while he was spiraling out of control and meanwhile hundreds and hundreds of people, hardworking people, were out of a job.  Is that what success looks like? God, I hope not.

I want my kids to find what makes them happy...not forever chasing that almighty dollar.  And, to realize and understand and grasp that being successful has NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY.

Pennsylvania Thoughts

 

Okay, before I delve down this ugly road that some may wonder why the hell I am even still talking about it, let me explain something.  The years that led up to and included our stint in Pennsylvania is now forever part of the fabric of our life and therefore will always pop up in thought and conversation, probably forever. 

That being said, I am not sitting here every day dwelling and pondering and so on...however, there are moments that pop up that causes me pause or there is an occasional comment from someone that makes me think about something.  I realize that the past is past and it was what it was...and whatever other cliche phrase that can be tacked onto this situation feel free to insert here.

In the meantime, these are the thoughts and conversations I have had recently regarding Pennsylvania in general.

1.  I believe that despite the fact that I disliked old-and-run-down-and-tired Scranton, if we had SOLD our house in Idaho we would still be living in Pennsylvania today.  Whether it was fate or not, I'm not sure.  I would not have ventured back, alone or otherwise, if we had sold this house.

2.  I truly disliked renting...both there and here...and realized that that wasn't for me.  I enjoy being in my own home and I do wonder if we had had a newer home (because our subdivision out there was amazingly beautiful) that was ours, maybe I would have embraced it better? Hindsight, blah blah blah, I know.  Just makes me wonder.  Of course, that would have gone along well with #1 above.

3.  My mom told me recently that people have commented to her that I should have just pulled up my bootstraps and stayed where my husband was working.  For some reason when she said this to me recently it really stung.  And yet I can hardly argue with why people feel that way.  I would say for most that is a true statement and maybe I should have pulled up the bootstraps or my big girl panties or whatever strong and determined people do in situations like that, but at the end of the day my unhappiness was palatable.  And, unless you are the one in the middle of all that yuck, you can't possibly understand.

4.  It was a truly tough gig out there.  I know I've said this before...but so many people I met, maybe as much as 90%, either grew up in Moscow or Scranton or another nearby borough/township, and/or has family in and around there or the east coast in general.  I met no one in the year I was there from anywhere west of the Mississippi.  When I told people we came from Idaho, they looked as though they never heard of the state before.  Therefore, making friends was tough.  No one was looking for a west coast girl to join any of their get togethers and that made for a very lonely existence.

5.  There are lots of moments when I wish I was closer to the history part again.  I loved the FEELING of that part of the country...the history...the storybook autumns and winters...the New England-ish life (Pennsylvania is not technically part of "New England")...New York City, etc.  Unfortunately, it wasn't enough.  But, those are the parts that I did like and I still think fondly on that aspect of life in Pennsylvania.  I still wish I was a couple of hours away from NYC or Gettysburg.  I still wish I could experience the autumn in Pennsylvania again because it was breathtaking in colors I had never seen in nature before.  I wish I had made it to the places we were SO CLOSE to and yet now so far...like Civil War battlefields/trails, Washington DC, NYC again, Vermont, the beaches, and so on.

6.  With my study on the battles of Gettysburg Larry made a comment about how far we are NOW from Gettysburg and it should have been something I thought about BEFORE we left.  True.  And, it does make me a little bummed out that if we had stayed in Moscow I could have driven to Gettysburg by myself anytime I needed/wanted to for research, etc.  Dammit.

7.  I harbor a little bit of guilt that I try not to dwell on but this is probably the biggest trigger for me.  Larry left a great company with amazing benefits and every time I see a UPS truck drive by, I get a little kick in my stomach.  And, because his job here is not the most stable, if you will, it makes me lose a bit of sleep if I think about it too much.  I am more than happy to be all together again but a part of me wonders if I caused an unnecessary problem for us.

8. Whenever there is an, um, "issue" with anyone Larry will joke, "If we stayed in Pennsylvania we wouldn't be dealing with this right now..."  Again, true. ;)

9.  The amount of money we spent over three years and five moves back and forth and around the corner makes me kinda sad in a stressed sort of way.  Again, it's done.  It's over (you can say that again).  It's a closed book but I can't help from occasionally thinking, "dammit, we spent SO MUCH MONEY!!!"

10.  I miss their pizza.  It was absolutely the best.

11.  I also miss the education the kids were getting.  It didn't cost us a thing (of course we would have paid PLENTY if we had owned our own home) and the teachers and schools were amazing and excellent!!

12.  I don't think I will ever get that smell of mold and mildew out of my head.  I  mourn what it did to some of my antiques...

So, while I am glad to be back in Idaho and out of a tiny suburb of Scranton, there is a part of me that...gasp, I can't believe I'm going to say this...misses SOME of what Pennsylvania was and what it could have been for us and I especially will always miss the opportunities for historical places within arms reach and when I hear about Pennsylvania or see something on television or in print, I sort of feel a little pang.  (Of course, the pang could be that I am: a) off my fucking rocker and needs something stronger than coffee every morning; or, b) extremely bi-polar.)

And, a quote that seems to sum up nicely my feelings about this whole experience:

"Nothing is worth anything if you aren't happy."

Amen.

The Christmas Gifts

I wish we could go back to a much simpler time when this holiday was less about ALL the wrapped gifts under the tree and more about the spirit of the holiday season.  Enjoying family and friends, sitting and having a conversation over a glass of wine, driving around looking at Christmas lights, watching a holiday movie with the fireplace on, watching the snow fall, listening to Christmas music, baking on a cold day, and helping others.

This is the first year that I don't anticipate buying any real "toys" for my kids.  Toys'r'Us will not be on my radar this year and I can't seem to believe it.  Sure, Jennifer asked for a few little toy-like items but nothing like baby dolls, Barbies, and colorful packages filled with a hundred little pieces of plastic.  Sigh.

Every year we try and rein the gift giving in and some years we tend to go overboard because we end up, pathetically, finding so many things we know the kids would love.  Our general rule of thumb is three gifts plus Santa always brings one special something...and the little items in the stocking.  It is just enough to get a lot of what they "wanted", plenty to unwrap, and yet not get overwhelmed with a huge pile of stuff.

I am typing this post in mid-October (I have a novel project to start and finish during the month of November so I need all my posts written and ready to be pubished) and my kids gave me their Christmas lists weeks ago (I asked for them) and Larry and I go through it and decide what we can leave up to Santa and what other things we will buy them.  I love that my oldest put stuff like a special shampoo and toothpaste on his list!  My middle son started a list with every item over $140 and I quickly asked him to toss that list in the trash and start over.  We do not buy overly extravagant gifts.

The whole minimum gifts is mainly because I don't want the "gimme-more" attitude that surely follows overabundance of gifts.  Not only that but if they are really young they quickly start to get tired of opening all those gifts because they are anxious to play with what they already opened!  I also find too many gifts rather vulgar and doesn't make the person any happier than if they got two or three things they REALLY wanted. 

  

I remember when Larry and I were first married and my mother-in-law asked me for my Christmas list (I had never written a list before...we just didn't do that in my family) and so I compiled a list of maybe twenty things ranging from a few dollars to maybe fifty, sixty dollars.  On Christmas day every single item on my Christmas list was under that tree and I remember feeling one thing: embarrassed.  I was not as happy if she had just thought of a couple of items to give me.  Instead, I was mortified that she had a) spent that much; and b) that  it somehow took away the meaning of Christmas for me.  Anyone can just go and buy everything on a list for someone...but it takes a bit more care and effort to THINK ABOUT and pick out something that you know that person would really like.  That is special.

I have been trying to teach my kids how to give gifts and to think about the person and how it doesn't have to cost very much money to make something or buy something meaningful and special for another person.  Only time will tell if they are getting this message.

Every year my list of people to buy for seems to go way down.  I pretty much only buy for the little kids in my family, my mom, and only one teacher (which will end after this year when Jennifer heads to middle school next year), and a handful of teachers and people at the church (Josh volunteers and so I like to give a few little things to the half dozen people he "works" with plus Jennifer has...also for the last year...a set of two or three teachers for her religious education class).  That's kinda it.  I may bake a few things for neighbors and some adults or maybe stitch a towel or two, but overall it isn't too overwhelming. 

I asked a friend one day what her budget for Christmas is like and she said she was going to try really hard to cut back to hopefully $3000.  I almost choked.  Is this the norm out there and I am in a la-la land of cluelessness and my kids will grow up and feel deprived of bells and whistles-a-plenty?!?  Oh. My. God.  Three THOUSAND?  I don't even come close to a 1/3 of that.  Wow.  Speechless and horrified. (And we won't even go down the road of how these people SPEND for a holiday like that!!!  I can certainly guess though, can't you?) 

My kids all get excited for Christmas and I try very hard to spend the next month doing fun family things together and focusing less on all those gifts and more on the season and giving and being together. (God, I try!)

This year will also be wonderful because Larry is now home and not flying in for a week "visit".

Do you buy a lot of gifts for your kids?  How do you make time for more important things than just presents as we head into the season?

Black Friday

  I want to be interested in all the hullabaloo on Black Friday, but honestly, I could care less. 

I tried it a couple of times and every time I do it I wonder why I bothered. 

1.  I didn't think the sales were that impressive in the least.  I felt it was WAY  more hype than it was even worth. 

2.  I hated, hated, hated the crowds of people and the parking lots and the lines.  Ugh! No part of that was even remotely enjoyable especially because the final price was anything near stellar.

3.  Who the hell wants to get up at an ungodly hour after having a big ole meal and lazy day the day before?  Um, not me.

4.  I will say that by waiting until this day you might get better sales than the people found early in October, etc.  However, I think being finished by Thanksgiving is a MUCH BETTER STRESS RELIEVER than heading out bright and early the day after to fight the crowds for mediocre sales.  Sure, stores get more and more desperate the closer we head toward Christmas so the prices drop and drop and drop but the feeling of calm FAR OUTWEIGHS the bottom line for me.  I would rather pay a few dollars more and spend a month relaxed and truly ENJOYING the season instead of scrambling about like a crazy-busy person.

5.  All you that find this day to be some sadistic ritual, go for it.  I will stay in bed and spend the day maybe wrapping all my presents that I bought before today.  Or, maybe just reading a book.

6.  We are in such different times...nowadays so many companies, online and brick and mortar types, offer black friday-type sales way ahead of time to get a jump on the competition therefore making today not really all that special anymore.

Hello, Holidays.  You are once again upon us.  Sigh.

Happy Thanksgiving

I am off to spend the day with my family.  Have a very happy and safe Thanksgiving.

Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving Edition

All photos taken between 2004 and 2010 and appear in order.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Stacey! xoxo

Onions

I can't even believe I am going to admit this out here in blogland, but I am an onion hoarder.

There, I said it.

Gawd, how pathetic.

I didn't realize I was an onion hoarder until just recently.  This year I grew onions for the first time and it quickly became my FAVORITE plant to grow, ever! For starters, onions are EASY to grow and attract zero bugs!  Within a month or two, as you thin out, you get to enjoy lovely green/spring onions for weeks and weeks.  Then, you flood the bed with water and pretty soon, voila! ONIONS appear to be popping out of the ground.

Harvesting is even fun.  You get to dig around the onion and pop it out, place it on top of the soil and let it dry.

When I brought all the onions inside I put them in a cardboard box and put them in a dark, cool spot.  The onions are very strong in flavor and you realize just how "old" the onions we find in the store are because these onions are crisp and pungant and delicious.

But I was quickly running out of onions (I plan to plant WAY more next year!) and so I found myself buying onions at the store and saving (okay, hoarding) the onions I grew.

Finally, Larry stopped me as I was picking up yet another bag of onions at WalMart and said, "really? You are buying onions? WHY?"  I told him, "I am almost out of our onions and I want them to last longer."

Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any more sense writing it out than it did when I said it. 

I need help.

Stuffed Zucchini

I remember my grandmother making stuffed bell peppers and while I loved the filling, eating an entire green pepper was just too much for me.  When I began growing zucchini I found stuffed zucchini was much more palatable because baking the zucchini made it soft and luscious and delicious.

For years now I have been making stuffed zucchini at least three or four times during the summer/early fall while the zucchini is plentiful.  And, I have always made the same recipe...more or less the way my mom or grandmother would.

I realized something when my mom was here visiting a couple of months ago.  My mom wanted every dish I made to be something that she or my grandmother had made.  If I made lentils, they weren't the way she made them and she didn't like them.  She didn't like my cobbler, my spaghetti, or the baked chicken because nothing was familiar.

I totally understand the desire for certain recipes that bring you immediately back and I have a lot of foods I prepare that do exactly that.  However, I realized something about myself too.  I love recipes.  I love researching new ways to prepare dishes.  I love experimenting and trying new things.  And it is between the old and the new that we seem to clash.   I love the old, but I like the new at times too...and sometimes the new is better than the old.

This was found to be true in a stuffed zucchini recipe I tried a couple of weeks ago.  Normally, I stuff it with ground beef (or turkey lately) mixed with cooked rice, herbs, seasonings, an egg, etc. and stuff the zucchini and then pour spaghetti sauce over the top and add a little parmesan cheese to finish it off.  Very, very tasty.

But, this recipe I actually liked the flavor BETTER.  It was light and the addition of a little pepperoni gave it the right amount of salty and crunchy.

4 zucchini
2 TBL olive oil or vegetable oil
1 medium onion, chopped
3/4 cup mushrooms (I omitted the mushrooms because Josh hates them)
1 clove garlic, minced (I added two, maybe three)
2 cups diced fresh tomatoes
2 TBL chopped fresh parsley
Salt and pepper
1/3 cup dry bread crumbs  (I used about 1/2 cup)
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese (I used about 1/2 cup)
2-3 TBL finely chopped pepperoni or crisp-cooked bacon (I used about half of a leftover package of pepperoni and just roughly chopped it)

1.  Fill a large soup pot halfway with water and add 2 teaspoons of salt.  Bring the water to a boil and cook the zucchini whole for 11/2 minutes, just enough to tenderize the shell.  Use metal tongs to transfer them to a colander until they are cool enough to handle.

2.  Halve the zucchini lengthwise.  Then scoop out the flesh with a spoon, being sure to leave an outer wall about 1/3 inch thick.  Fiely chop the flesh and set it aside.

3.  Measure the oil into a large saute pan.  Add the onion and saute for a few minutes until it is lightly brown and then add the zucchini flesh and cook for an additional 2-3 minutes.  Add the mushrooms and garlic.  Saute for 2 more minutes.

4.  Add the tomatoes and heat until mixture reaches a low boil, cook for 2-3 minutes, until the tomatoes are soft.  Remove the pan from the heat, then stir in the parsley, salt, and a little pepper (I also added some garlic and onion powder).  Let the vegetables cool for several minutes, then add the bread crumbs, cheese, and pepperoni or bacon.

5.  Heat the oven to 400 and grease a medium size shallow baking dish.  Spoon the filling into the zucchini halves and arrange them in the baking dish.  At this point I also added a little bit more bread crumbs so it would crisp up in the oven.

6.  Bake the zucchini boats on the center oven rack for 20-25 minutes, until heated through.

Absolutely Delicious!!!

Cucumber Motherload

 

I planted four cucumber plants in the spring.  One was a small variety that I put in a pot and gave me a good dozen or more little, fat cucumbers.  Two of the plants suddenly died in one of my beds and was pulled out.

One survived.

I have tried cucumbers in the past and was never able to get them to grow.  I will admit that cucumbers are a hard sell around here.  Larry hates them unless they are pickled and it isn't like you can cook up cucumbers to serve with dinner like you would zucchini or broccoli.  In another words, their uses are quite limited.

However, I remember stories my mom would tell of these amazing Italian cucumbers my grandfather would grow and when I was a little girl my mom and my brother Pete grew a garden and cucumbers were included.  The only reason I remember cucumbers...and not anything else the two of them grew...is because my brother was taunting me with the cucumbers and I was a jealous 6-year old.  I wanted to grow cucumbers (and I think maybe I did but mine died? I don't know what else would have made me so incredibly jealous!).  I have a picture of my brother, knee deep in this garden on an empty lot next door to us, with a gigantic cucumber in his hand and I am in the forefront with a pouty face and an angry stance.  Something like, "He is so arrogant with his cucumbers and he doesn't seem to care that MY cucumbers died!! How can he stand there holding the biggest cucumber I have ever seen and smiling while I am obviously miserable!?!," was what I envision was going through my head.  Although, "my stupid brother!!" was probably more accurate for the time and my age.

Anyhoo. 

I finally got cucumbers to grow and that ONE plant of mine provided me so many cucumbers I believe it would fill an entire room, top to bottom.  I bet I plucked over a hundred cucumbers off that ONE plant!  I shredded the cucumbers and froze dozens of bags; I gave them to neighbors and family and friends; I brought them to the school for the teachers; Larry took them to work; my mom took bags to the senior center.  I was basically a cucumber pimp.

Not only was it the cucumber motherload but it took over the entire bed and annihilated the pepper plants, the eggplant seeds, the marigolds, and the lavender.

 
One weekend we decided we have had enough of the cucumbers.  It was Early October and the plant was taking over not only the bed but everything outside the bed that came within ten feet of their big leaves and curling vines...so we decided the time had come to cut it way back and contain it just to the beds.  Meanwhile we ended up picking a HUGE box full of cucumbers and I spent two days making cucumber relish, cucumber marmalade, a cucumber spread, and a cucumber sauce.  And the pile still didn't look like it went down!  I brought some to my friend and told Larry to take the rest to work...I was done.

 (In this photo, the cucumber is behind the tall tomato plant, which is in the forefront. This photo was also taken in early August before the cucumber really began to take over the world.)

A couple of days ago we finally pulled the rest of the plant out of the bed and I have to say, I was a bit sad.  And we still pulled another half dozen cucumbers off the plant that are sitting on my counter.  (More freakin' cucumbers!)

As much as I have enjoyed the fresh, delightfully sweet cucumbers I am not sure I am going to plant them again next year.  I have enough grated to last me into next winter and I have jars of marmalade and relish in my fridge that should easily last through spring.  IF I grow them, I may try the patio-variety that is a little more contained and will provide me with just enough cucumbers to maybe make a batch of relish and enjoy cut up as a snack or thrown in salad.

Wordless Wednesday (Random Date Edition)

Photos taken from the file: May 28, 2007 and was chosen totally at random.