It seems like everywhere I turn I see controlling men.
I have to wonder what the appeal is to men like that? The attraction. The desire to do as you are told? Why?? Why do women fall for this behavior? Why do women continue to allow the control of men to take over their lives? Are they in some kind of trance? La-La Land? Fantasy World? For the love of God, get your heads out of your asses women, and take a stand for yourself!
Of course, I have talked to so many (my God, SO MANY!) women who simply don't question the controlling behavior and just accept it lock, stock, and barrel. They love their man, okay, I get that, but while they are sometimes irritated with the controlling attitudes of their mate, they don't really do much about it. Makes me want to scream inside and thank the lucky stars above that I didn't get involved with a controlling type man (let me just say, that would have never happened. I want to be able to think for myself and don't need nor want a man to control my every move, thankyouverymuch).
Growing up in a large Italian family with many aunts and uncles I really can't think of any uncles that were controlling...a couple were maybe pains in the asses but not really obnoxiously controlling their wives. What I did witness, however, were women who were stuck in a pre-1950 way of thinking. In another words, they were somewhat submissive to their spouses. I remember my mom serving food and ALWAYS served the men around the table first (she still does that). While it irritates me, it doesn't bug me as much as listening to and witnessing the way many women I know succumb to being controlled. And, shockingly, most don't even seem to be bothered by it as if they have quietly accepted their fate.
I was also witness to many very strong aunts while I was growing up (and right now I am THANKFUL for each and every one of them who showed me, indirectly, that women can think for themselves and not be allowed to have their husbands thumb permanently pressed down on them. I should also state that there were a couple of aunts that were not necessarily strong but it had nothing to do with their husbands). Sure, they might have served their husbands their meals first but these women wore most, if not all, of the pants. Even my grandmother was a strong woman despite the fact that she married my grandfather in the early 1920s under ways that are no longer common place today. But, she always treated him with respect and love...she was also incredibly strong and did what she wanted to do along with taking care of her man and her family. My grandmother was the first in her circle of very submissive friends to drive and even though the husbands all posted their complaints with my grandfather to "do something about your wife!" (because the men didn't want their wives driving and having as much independence as my grandmother!) my grandfather couldn't really stop my grandmother from marching forward and upward in her thinking. She had her friends, her clubs, her groups and my grandfather never stopped her or talked badly of her friends or made her life a controlling nightmare. She dealt with her rental apartments, cooked Sunday feasts, always made everyone in her family feel special, paid the bills, started numerous businesses, etc. It has taken a lot of years to see my grandmother in this kind of light. What a wonderful role model I had!
And, my own father was not controlling. When I think back to my childhood I think of my parents more as partners who refinished furniture together in the garage, made decisions together regarding their purchases and finances, and while my mom might have served his dinner first, my dad was never ruling with an iron fist as the "man of the house". He might have joked with her about some of her friends but he never once told her she shouldn't or couldn't partake in a relationship. My dad might have had a crazy electronic/new car passion but I don't remember him ever making those kinds of decisions without my moms input and acceptance. They might have argued and yelled but they were always a united front and she might have made sure dinner was ready when my dad got home from work but that was more out of love than fearing what would happen if dinner was late. And, my dad never made my moms role as Mother or Housewife demeaning or not good enough. She worked at the high school a few hours a day because she worried about me being there, not because my dad insisted on her working because he wanted more money coming in.
I truly believe my upbringing has in some way positively affected the way I sought a partner and I am extremely grateful. I also believe that my own personality is strong enough to know that I can handle things on my own and certainly don't need a man to direct my every move. A partner, yes. A dictator, no.
I dated many men in my late teens and early twenties and I feel that by doing so I was able to separate the true gems from the fools gold. I couldn't be with someone who didn't like my family, for my family is part of ME and who I am, therefore by not liking my family they must not truly like ME. I couldn't be with someone who felt he had to control each and every shot. Or, who would feel the need to belittle me to the point that I felt worthless. Or, who would control the finances to the point that I was only given an allowance like a twelve year old.
I found a man who was not controlling because I would never be able to be with someone who controlled me and stifled the life I was meant to lead, who would not be supportive, who controlled who my friends were and which friends I could and couldn't see, how often I spent with my family, how much I was allowed to spend on groceries or other expenses, and who made me jump the minute he walked in the door.
I could never be happy in a relationship like that. I am more about a true partnership. Parenting together, budgeting together, making purchases not out of spite but because we discussed them beforehand. My husband would never tell me that he doesn't like or accept one of my friends. He may get upset over how hurt I become in certain relationships but never once in the 22 years we have been together has he made a reference about a friend that was unkind or implied or insisted that I not be friends with them. In 22 years he has never once balked at how many family gatherings I have put him through. In 22 years he has never once given me an allowance (I'm pretty sure I would have thrown it back at him and told him to go fuck himself). In 22 years he has never once made me feel less than for being a stay-at-home mom and contributing my "portion", not in cash, but in love and warmth by taking care of his children and the home we share. In 22 years he never once insisted that I go and get a job so we could have more money to buy more shit. In 22 years he has never played mind games or acted like a dick or told me what to do.
And that is why we are still happily together. We might not be the richest but we are happy and content and fulfilled. Things may not be perfect all the time but we treat each other with respect and we joke and we laugh and we parent and we work on problems and situations together.
I believe that the controlling men slowly kill what makes us women. I see it in the eyes of the women I know who are being controlled. Life shouldn't be about existing only because the Man says to exist. Life shouldn't be about stressing to the point of sickness because your husband is going to be home and your kids haven't finished cleaning the house and therefore he is going to go ballistic. What kind of life is that? And, if my husband gave me an allotted allowance weekly, bi-weekly or otherwiseweekly I would never tolerate it. I am a big girl who knows how to think and who held down many very good jobs and who went to college and can stand on her own two feet without the aid of some guy telling me the way he wants me to stand.
The other night I listened to a woman talk about how we need to think what it is like for our husbands...to get up early and work all day and do what they do. I held my tongue long enough for her to finish her sappy bullshit before I said, we are always thinking of the poor men! We are a society that puts men first, even in twenty eleven! What about what we do everyday? Why do us women/moms not think what we do is important and meaningful?? Why are we constantly associating money with greatness? (Believe me, money does NOT make a man...I don't care how much money you make or what you do...it is more about how you are as a person that matters.) What kind of parent are you? What kind of human being are you? THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. No amount of money can buy character.
And don't get me started on the religious types! The ones that throw the bible around as their safety nets and think they can act like dicks all in the name of the Lord...that somehow their self-righteousness prevents them from being civil. The ones that scratch their heads when something goes wrong because, "aren't I a good person? Don't I deserve to have riches fall upon me all the time?" Put your bible down and take a good, long look in the mirror.
I am beginning to realize something about myself. I am having a harder and harder time being around men who are controlling to their wives/girlfriends, etc. I almost can't take it. They are obnoxious and rude. They are demeaning to women. They are egotistical and arrogant and pompous. They think that money is the blessings from Above. They demand and intimidate. They think only of themselves.
And the funniest part? I love it when I hear these women state how "strong" they are as women. Strong as in, I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR. Really? Strong? No, I hate to break it to you but you are not strong. Because if you were strong you would not put up with a controlling man in your life. Only when you get two feet that you can comfortably stand on will you realize one day that you can't take it anymore and wonder how in the fuck you took it for so long in the first place. We women deserve more than that! We deserve to be happy and loved and respected and the lines are very blurred with a controlling man.
I can only hope to be a positive role model not only for my daughter but also for my sons. I don't want my daughter to fall for a guy that has his controlling thumb on her every move...telling her what to do, where to go, who she can't see, and then handing her an allowance every week. But, just as important, as a mother with boys is to make sure that my sons don't turn into controlling assholes. I want them to grow up knowing that relationships are about partnerships and respect. About honoring your uniqueness and dealing with problems together. About valuing one another for who they are inside not the flash that may appear on the outside.
Every woman deserves their own personal freedoms...with no strings attached and no dark cloud of control hovering over them.
