Today is the first day I have been truly by myself since June 8th.
And it is freakin' glorious.
My mom has this thing with noise. When she is home by herself she says she always keeps the television or the radio on. When I am home by myself I do not want any sounds. In fact, when I turn off the television I always sigh. I love the sound of silence.
I just realized today how bloody tired I really am. Emotionally and physically. I am back to my little ole routine. The kids are back at school all day, every day (there is a God). My husband is back working in Idaho. And, my mom flew back home yesterday.
Today after I took all three kids to school and did my little crossing guard jobbie-poo I came home and sighed with relief. Ate what I wanted when I wanted it sitting in here so I can get to work (finally, it has been so long now) while I eat my healthy grain toast with almond butter (my new obsession). I may dance a little. And sing to the dog. Skip perhaps down the hall. Pee with the door open (gasp!).
I'm free. Of course, with that freedom comes the emotional meltdown. For months and months I have had children, a mother, and a husband under foot (no offenses) and sometimes I gotta push shit out of the way for the time being. It is how I cope (sometimes poorly) during my day telling myself that I will have time later to feel all the ugliness. I'm sure this is NOT the way to deal with life but if I didn't push it to the back burner I would be in a constant state of sadness and hurt and that ain't fun for anyone.
I'll tell you the silver lining, the glass half-full, the rose colored glasses: I am MORE aware of how I don't want to act. How I don't want to sound when talking to people. How I don't want my kids to walk away feeling I slighted them or hurt them with my words or made them feel bad about themselves. How I don't want so sound cruel and mean when I am making a point. How I want to have conversations with people without making them feel bad. I want to turn all this around and make sure I don't hurt the ones I love and care about.
And lately the hurt has come from all different sides. In all different lovely colors. Deep breaths. I am alone now to deal and let it out and write again. But, some days I just feel tired of being everyones punching bag. Tired of being the easy, most available target. Tired of being criticized all the time.
So, I leave you now with this: be kind to one another. Remember you don't have to say every little thing that crosses your mind. And, if making your point directly hits another person, perhaps it is better left unsaid (unless, of course, your motive is to strike and make them feel bad and/or stupid, then, hey it doesn't really have anything to do with me and more to do about yourself).
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