A few days ago during a conversation with a friend made me think about how I feel about neighbors and neighborhoods.
Growing up I lived on a cul-de-sac with five other houses. Of the five houses we were friends with only two ...three if you count my aunt and uncle living across the street. The other two families we rarely, if ever, had any contact with outside an occasional wave.
(A partial view of the street I lived on growing up.)
When I moved to Oceanside I really was hoping for that "neighborhood" feel. Dozens of houses that threw get-togethers on the front lawn. Someone knocking on my door for a cup of sugar (hello, 1953). Getting together for dinner, or dessert, or with our children.
(Here is the street in Oceanside where we lived for over a decade.)
And then the rude awakening. My neighbors were all either mean, crazy, or reclusive.
I had one neighbor behind us who couldn't stand when they could hear us INSIDE OUR HOUSE laughing with company at dinnertime. They called and called and called and left nasty messages on my answering machine. They called the association to complain so many times I had lost count. Oh dear Lord, take me away. They were the Queen and King of Pain-In-The-Ass neighbors.
The neighbors on the one side of us began on friendly terms until one day while the woman was sewing in a bedroom that was six inches away from the bedroom that Harrison, the baby, occupied...and she heard my poor son crying and crying and crying one afternoon (no air conditioning, hence the open windows, and one very tired mother of two young boys who had apparently fallen asleep on the couch and didn't hear Harrison cry until I heard this woman knock on my door!) and she read me the riot act and left me feeling like the worst mother in the world.
Some neighbors across the street were reclusive and the old couple were initially nice but something must have happened that I really don't know what (could it be the kids again??) and they no longer even looked our way.
It was during those thirteen years in San Diego that I gave up the notion of finding friendship in a neighborhood.
I had to really dig deep about why I felt this way. I think being friendly with neighbors is great...an occasional conversation, a friendly wave...is all I personally need at this point. It boils down to my personality and how I feel about friendship.
1) I am an introvert. I like being home. I don't want my home to be Grand Central Station with neighbor kids coming and going all the damn time.
2) I am very picky with whom I choose to be friends with. I don't need to "make friends" with EVERYONE just because we happen to be neighbors. At this stage in my life I don't require that sort of validation. And, God forbid you have a falling out: you are STUCK with these people as neighbors. Believe me, I've been down that road a couple of times and it ain't fun. Now, I guess the argument here is you have to be willing to put yourself out there and take a risk because the rewards could be much better. I'm not disagreeing with that notion. I just wholeheartedly believe that I don't need to make "friends" with everyone on my street.
3) It's just me. I don't put myself out there with ease. I don't really want to. I don't want to be "on" all the time. I like my own space, my own downtime, my own routine, and I really don't want to be bothered. I realize, at the age of 44, that I don't put forth the required effort and that is part of my nature and I am OKAY with that.
Then we moved to Idaho and for a little while I had a small glimmer of, "could this neighborhood be different?" When I should have really asked, "Am I different now?"
And the answer is NO to both.
Could this neighborhood be different? Different street, different weather, different zip code but still the wide array of characters.
(A look down the street here in Idaho.)
For starters I have several mormon families living around me. Not that I have anything against them...hey, do what you must...but I realized two things when it came to the mormon family. 1) They will try for awhile to convert you. Openly, discreetly, and blatantly. They will invite you to ward events. They will (try) to give you paperwork. Perhaps when they see me watering my lawn with a glass of wine in my hand they will finally give up. I don't know because I don't wait that long to find out. 2) Once they realize that I will not ever, ever, ever be converted they give up (thank GOD) and then result to ignoring me completely.
So, I have three neighbors across the street who are all mormon and who all basically ignore me. Nice. That must make sense to only them. They obvioiusly get along swell with each other, which I suppose is the approved and desirerd protocol.
I don't have any neighbors yet on one side of me...on the other side and directly next to me are wonderful neighbors. Nice people but they keep to themselves as well, however, we have gotten together for a BBQ and had a really great time. Next to them I've never met...they are the most reclusive family I have ever met. Next to them are a nice young family but since they have two quite young children, there isn't much in common. And, next to them, at the corner, is my brother and sister-in-law.
Over the years we have lived here I have given up the illusion that a cheery, quaint little Norman Rockwell neighborhood is the goal for my life. I am not even sure that situation is what I really want because it truly isn't in my nature to keep up with all that.
Am I unhappy about it? Oh, hell no. I am actually quite fine with it all. I decided that I want to be able to choose my friends, not just have them delivered to me because we share the same street.
I do try and be friendly, however. I wave. I say a little "howyadoing?" when the opportunity arises and then I happily go back into my house and shut the door. And when I REALLY feel the introvert in me coming out in full force I keep my blinds closed on the street side (sometimes I keep them closed because it is too hot and I need to keep the sun from streaming in...I guess in the summertime it is hard to tell one reason from the other!!).
I love my neighborhood, despite what it may sound like. I love my house. I love where I live and I am at peace with my beliefs that I don't have to be BFFs with every one of my neighbors...and a friendly little wave suits me just fine.
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