I am not a confrontational person. I find solace in my words. There is a peace within when I am able to express myself through the written word. Silence is painful.
I would rather argue with someone and confront issues or deal with anything I might have said (or, God forbid, write, which happens more often than not I'm afraid). In another words, I would opt to argue and scream and yell, if that is what it would take, than to hear nothing.
The silence is painful.
The silence leaves a lot of questions. Self-doubt. Concern. Hurt.
Now, don't get me wrong here, I DO NOT want to argue and fight ALL. THE. TIME. In fact, I would rather not. I would rather we just talk if there is a problem...if I've done something wrong or hurtful...if I have said something that hurt you or made you mad. Let me know. We don't have to go around and around for three weeks discussing a sentence that offended, but I would rather that than silence...
I think the worst part about silence is that it leaves you empty. Like someone just punches you in the stomach for no apparent reason. Maybe you have a reason, but because the silence is better on your end, the pain continues on my end.
I believe that for some relationships there are seasons. Some relationships exist for only a short time and of course you don't realize that until it comes to an end. Maybe relationships you had early on change naturally as we grow and change through life. Relationships that are not nurtured also wither and die over time, as they must, because true relationships take care, comfort, concern, attention, and work.
At what point do you decide that the work is no longer worth it? Is it over a past hurt that was never addressed and then grown to giant snowball size? Is it because you move apart and the gap is now too wide? Do you grow and change in ways that no longer work with one another?
I have dealt with many relationships that have decided to move on and away for reasons simply unknown to me. This has left me on more than one occasion scratching my head and licking my wounds. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of relationships over the years that have naturally moved apart...lives change, people move, you mature. But, I am mainly referring to the relationships that one day seem fine and moving along nicely and then as if a light switch has been turned off: POOF.
Some of these relationships have gone by the wayside because of misplaced expectations. One has been over the inability to deal with jealousy and the decision to ignore my feelings in a mature way. And yet another, a mystery.
In all the cases, it appears SILENCE has been the common thread.
Perhaps some relationships could be salvaged if there was communication opposed to silence. At one point do you decide that the relationship is not worth the confrontation required and therefore severing the ties for good? I do believe that, looking back, many relationships just run their course and they were there for a season of your life and when it ends, it simply ends.
But, how do you wrap your head around the situation when it involves family? That gets a little trickier and yet it happens all the time, as it has happened to me. I have forgiven the painful decisions that my husbands family inflicted, but because of silence, I will never really understand or know what and where and when the issue began. I may have forgiven them, but I can't seem to forget and question myself and my actions and "what if" to death.
Or, a longtime friend? Not just a neighbor you happen to meet and your kids end up playing together and you have a few things in common and you begin a friendship and it is all good until one thing changes and you look back and realize that perhaps there was not enough foundation to began with? It may be painful at first, especially since, again, you are unaware of what and where and when the issue began because of SILENCE, but when you have distance you realize as well that there is not a lot lost over the relationship. It was only for a season.
But when you are dealing with people that you have been close to for almost your entire life, the ties and bonds are much, much deeper. The pain more hurtful. Do you succumb to the silence and give up? Do you continue putting your heart on your sleeve only to look, time and time again, like a fool?
Because at each corner you are only left with silence.
SILENCE.
And the silence is painful...
Because you are left wondering. You are left self-doubting. You are left bruised. You are left more damaged than when you began. You are left with a host of memories with nowhere to go because the thoughts then become painful. You are left sad and down.
I'm not sure I understand the silence. And this from someone who hates confrontation and would rather not fist fight at every holiday or gathering. I would rather put on a happy face and get along, even if at times I don't feel especially happy.
But, the silence is aggravating.
I try to be a good friend. The people in my circle, I care about DEEPLY. We all get busy with our lives, but I try to keep connections. No, I'm not very good with picking up the phone. And, I'm aware that my words have effected a handful of relationships over the years...although, I try and handle it with a degree of delicacy. I do not set out to hurt people: friends, neighbors, or family.
I have been keeping this post in my head for months. Months and months. I wake up with it and I go to bed with it. I drive with it. I shower with it. I brush my teeth with it. I walk the dog with it. I don't know what else to do with it.
And I don't know what else to do with the silence. I am drowning in it. And yet, I cannot keep getting rejected because not only is it now humiliating for me, but with each turn, it becomes more and more painful.
I have to find a way to sail on...despite my sadness, despite my intense heartbreak, despite my desire to do something with all the silence...so I can move forward with yet another loss in my back pocket.
The silence is painful.
