Rough Draft

Biker Chick

We started teaching Jennifer how to ride a two-wheeler way before we left Idaho but for one reason or another we didn't stick with it long enough for her to truly grasp the concept of balance on a bike.

She has been talking non-stop about riding a two-wheeler, the main problem being she didn't have a two-wheeler.  Her little bike with training wheels was way too small for her and therefore was donated before we moved.

Last week we went to a neighbors house for an outdoor movie night and asked us if we wanted her daughter's old bike (we didn't even talk about bikes.  Freaky!) because it was just sitting there and was too small now but wondered if Jennifer would like it.  To say Jennifer's face lit up is an understatement!! She was SO EXCITED!

She immediately wanted to learn to ride.  In the rain, at night, she didn't care.  Unfortunately, she had to be patient because we have had rain for several days...however, when there was a break in the clouds she begged her dad to go outside with her and teach her to ride a two-wheeler.

Today after the animal park she wanted to get back on the bike and keep practicing.  Something clicked tonight.  She got it.  She has a little trouble turning, stopping, starting, and hitting parked cars...but other than that, she is doing a fantastic job!!! She was so proud of herself and it is so thrilling to watch her learn how to ride a bike...

...now we just need to teach her to tie her shoelaces and how to say NO to boys.  Sigh.

Like Elaine

You remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine learns that the Today Sponge is going to be discontinued and so she tries to buy as many of the Sponges as she can find?  And she ends up with a closet full of Today Sponge contraceptives?

Moreover she rates each date/man on their "Sponge worthiness" because she certainly doesn't want to use up her supply of Sponges on just anyone.

When I flew out to Pennsylvania I discovered that there isn't a place that sells anything in bulk.  More specifically, herbs.  In Idaho at my favorite store (Winco) they have a ton of stuff in bulk, including herbs.  (I miss Winco so much!)

Before I left I decided to stock up on herbs.  I packed three HUGE plastic bags filled with smaller bags of one herb after another.

I have now put all the (overflow) herbs into glass jars, labeled, and stored in the pantry.

Suddenly, I feel like Elaine and her hoarding of the Today Sponges.  I am hoarding my herbs and wondering if this meal or that meal is "herb worthy".  Do I REALLY need that much taco seasoning when less will most likely be just fine?  Once my herbs are gone, then what will I do? (Well, I guess when I make a trip out at the beginning of the year I can stock up on more and pack them in my suitcase! A small light at the end of my lack-of-bulk-herb tunnel.)

As it is I realized I didn't buy any bacon bits (you know, those totally artificial red pieces.  I love them and all their fakeness!)

I know they are just herbs.  But you have to understand the love of inexpensive herbs in bulk.  You get it, don't you?

I'm sure Elaine would totally understand...

Relationships

I'm not sure where I went wrong but somewhere along the line I must have.

I'd like to think I do a fairly good job as wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend...but, we all have shortcomings, and I am no exception.

The ugly laundry list is long and I will spare you from my emotional rant that is traveling quickly through my head this morning.

I know I don't call people enough.  I am not a phone person.  This is definitely a not-so-good side of me.  That fact is not only duly noted but also engraved in stone on the "Natalie's Negative Traits" list.  Got it.  I try.  Sometimes.  I'll be honest, I think about it way more times than I execute.  If you call me, you will get a maybe 70-30 chance of me actually picking up, depending on the day and my mood.  I know, that is horrible of me.  I get it.  Really.  I do.

Oh, I could go on and on (and you might be able to as well).  I'm not looking into any rose colored mirrors.  I'm not always a ray of sunshine, happy and skipping through life.  I have ups and downs.  I am sometimes cranky and bitchy and unhappy. 

So, by no means do I intend to portray anything superficial about my own shortcomings and my own challenges and my own sometimes-bitch self.

However, I do feel, by and large, that I am a good person.  That I am a good friend, wife, mother, aunt, sister, daughter, cousin, and so on...

But you know what? Relationships are hard.  They are complicated.  Feelings get hurt, words are taken wrong, there are miscommunications and troubled pasts.  I'm sure everyone has done or said things they wish they could take back.  That at the time the damage didn't seem so toxic.  Maybe thinking it would all blow over instead of blowing up and out.

I've been told repeatedly that I am "too sensitive" and I realize that about myself.  I am too sensitive almost to the point where I drive myself crazy with my internal emotional roller coaster. 

Unfortunately, it means that my feelings get hurt quite easily...completely understanding that feelings are hurt on my watch as well over things I have said or written.

Relationships require effort.  They require care and compassion.  They require give and take...maybe not every minute of every day, but I would say on a somewhat regular basis.  I'm not sure if once the road washes away from years of neglect and heavy rain that it can ever be repaired again.  I'd like to think so in my bubble gum and rainbow kind of world, but reality and life would seem to prove otherwise.

I am alone out here.  It has allowed me to think of things that I haven't really thought of before.  In ways I haven't thought of before.  I have made a couple of decisions that will only affect a few but it was a sad decision to have to make, but one that I stand behind and feel it is for the best, even if it is only for my emotional well-being.  At the same time, it closes doors and chapters in my life and for that I am sorry.  I have tried.  Over and over.  To no avail.  And to continue would make me out to be a world-class fool, and an unappreciated fool at that.  I need to stand up for myself and protect myself the best I can.

Without water, flowers droop and die.  Without love and care and time and effort and compassion and concern and thought, relationships die as well.

As for me and my little corner of the world, I am trying to put forth the effort in my relationships.  It may not be daily and it most likely not be by phone (please, don't shoot me down for not using the phone, there are other ways to communicate, right?), but I am finding ways in which to stay in touch...ways to reach out, even small ways, to let you know that I care, because I do.

And, I wish you did too.

City Park

Just thought I'd share with you some photos taken on a recent outing to the city park here in town.  It was a gorgeous park right in the middle of the city with a beautiful waterfall, hiking trails, billions of trees, and an amazing tree house.

Creepy

I have seen the movie Mamma Mia more times than I can honestly count at this point.  And, now that we have HBO out here it has been playing almost nightly.  Well, with that kind of temptation, I'm sorry but I can't resist.

It is a happy movie.  It is my happy movie. 

But I'm not going to talk about Mamma Mia, per se.  I could, don't get me wrong.  I could point out all kinds of small little errors here or there or how there is a scene with possible boobage.  No.  Instead, I'm going to talk about one particular song...

"Does Your Mother Know."  You know it?

Moreover, do you know it from the movie? It is where Christine Baranski's character sings it to her young boy-toy bartender.  As a woman singing it to a younger man it is hysterical and I like it.

Over the weekend Larry put in one of his Abba CD's.  The song, "Does Your Mother Know" came on...

It is sung by a guy.  Not the girls.  Okay, you have got to listen to the original recording of that song.  Maybe it is because we are in a different time than the 70s when it was recorded or maybe it is because I've watched Mamma Mia too many times (and now honestly prefer the cast voices to the original recordings of the songs...) but with the guys singing it is downright CREEPY.

He is singing about a young girl who obviously has the hots for the older guy. 
Does your mother know that you are out?
We can flirt a little maybe...

OMG.  Creepy and dirty.

A Slight Contradiction

I can't be isolated for long.  I would not do well, long term, on some farm miles and miles away from people and/or civilization.  I remember a vacation Larry and I took before we were married to Palm Desert...I had a customer at the bank who let me borrow his house for a week....despite neighbors and the busy life that exists in the Palm Desert area, I was going crazy! Larry still reminds me of this trip all the time.

I guess I missed being in a hotel on vacation, surrounded by people.  Sitting pool side with freshly blended margaritas and a large desert home, just the two of us, was not my thing at the time.  I was borderline miserable (and going slightly crazy without people around).

Now, I should state for the record this was probably 1990.  Pre-kids.  Right now, I think it would be a slice of heaven on a plate to sit, quietly, in a home in Palm Desert with a pool and margarita's.  But, that was then.

However, I do like to be home.  I am very, very, VERY happy to be a "homebody".  I love when I don't need to go anywhere.  I love when I can stay home for days on end.  I love it.  And, I do believe that feeling is why I have been obsessed with getting this house in order and feeling like a home as soon as possible. 

There are not many people I have met that are homebodies like I am.  I am either explaining my ways or justifying.  But, bottom line: it is what it is.  I. LIKE. TO. BE. HOME. Period.

I could easily find enough to do.  I also love the "busy-nothingness" that takes up time as well.  Things like making my coffee, straightening, cleaning the sink, starting a load of laundry, wiping down countertops, putting away any piles that have popped up from the day/night before, changing out a Scentsy scent, figuring out dinner before lunch, and so on.

I am rarely bored at home.  Besides the obvious mother/wife hat I wear, I have plenty of hobbies and interests that can keep me busy until I'm old(er) and gray(er)...like, reading, scrapbooking, embroidery, gardening.  I love to plan menu's.  I love to write, a lot.  And so on.  Plenty to do.  So much so that my mind is swimming with ideas constantly!

And, if I'm out for too many hours for too many days, I get cranky.  Really, really bonkers crazy.  For starters, I am not an errand runner.  I hate being ONLY a taxi for my kids and having nutty schedules.  I hate spending money for no real purpose.  It bores me to be out and about going and doing constantly.

I don't believe that my children need constant GOING every minute of every day.  And I feel the same in the summer.  For starters, I like for them to have a break from the hecticness of school life.  Everyone needs a bit of a break.  Kids need downtime too.

I have enjoyed...for the past ten years...our summer adventures where we do some review, crafts, outings, and downtime.  I felt it was the perfect summer balance.  This year, sadly, I just couldn't get it together with two moves and the stress involved in all of it.  I miss it and so do the kids.

Last week was a little much for me.  My new friend called everyday and because her children are younger she feels she needs to take them out often.  My kids aren't that little anymore.  We had met for play-dates, sleepovers, lunch, the park twice, and so on.

By the weekend, I needed a break but she continued to call everyday for three days.

Now, for those that know me, know that there are times that I won't answer my phone.  Nothing personal: I just need a break from it.  I don't feel like talking.  I don't feel like making plans.  I don't feel like going anywhere.  And, most impoprtantly: I DON'T NEED TO GO ANYWHERE.  My closest friends know this about me and respect the boundaries...and love me anyway.

However, new friends don't really know the whole Natalie-101.  I did not want to go to another park in 90 degree weather with 7 kids.  Call me crazy, but I was not in the mood.  I wanted to be home doing what I want to do.  Alone.  I didn't want play-dates or sleepovers.

Her solution to my silence was to stop by.  Get the kids all pumped in going to the park and then later to her house for a play-date. 

O.M.G.

I don't want to be isolated but I don't need CONSTANT interaction as well.  I'm happy being home, doing my own thing.  Being snowed in doesn't scare me.  I don't worry about what I will do, couped in the house for days.  (I know, I know, the walls close in, I realize that...and I have already begun the preparing a list of possible things we could do when we are inundated with snow and wintery conditions outside!)

I don't mind people dropping by, unannounced.  I really don't.  I know it makes some people crazy, but I don't mind, honestly.

However, do I need to be surrounded by people all the time? Going here and there every day? NO.

No, no, and NO.

I do know that I wake up on days when I don't have to go anywhere, and I am excited.  I look forward to doing my own thing, answering to no-one.  I look forward to my casual "schedule".

However, I love to explore.  I love being around people.  I love being around my friends.  And, I do believe that I need to be around people and interacting (I'm not a total hermit).  

See the contradiction?  I realize I am this side of crazy.  I get that.  And I don't have answers.  I truly feel the way I feel, despite how sometimes it doesn't make sense (just ask my husband!).

My new friend said to call her if I felt like doing anything this week.  Another clear example of someone who doesn't know me very well...

More Of The Same...

I had intended for days now to upload a bunch of photos but I first have to upload them from discs onto the other computer, blah, blah, blah, and needless to say, it hasn't been done.

So, instead you get MORE random goodies.

1.  The kids are back into baking.  Yesterday Josh made these incredible buttery/sugary cookies with a very light frosting in the center of the sandwich.  They were YUMMY.  Today Harrison is making some chocolate type drop cookies.  And tomorrow Jennifer wants to make "gelatin" (for whatever reason she doesn't call it Jell-O!).

2.  I have an unhealthy love affair with Accent.  You know that salt-MSG crack in a jar?  Yep. THAT stuff.  O.M.G. I really can't get enough.  On a salad Accent makes it incredibly distinct and delicious.  I have been putting it on everything: homemade pizza, raw cucumber slices, hard-boiled eggs, etc.

3.  Watched Mamma Mia again last night.  Obsessive.  I never tire of it.  The movie, plain and simple, makes me happy.  It makes me smile.  It makes me swoon.  It makes me laugh.  It makes me shake my head when Colin hugs his gay lover (I'm sorry but Mr. Darcy does NOT do gay well).  It just makes me feel less of this UGH feeling I have had since moving.  Tonight Larry wants to watch Wedding Crashers and I am looking forward to that too...after all day of going through stuff and putting it away (or attempting to) I am ready to laugh hysterically.  Lock it up! No! YOU lock it up!

4.  A pet peeve:  you ever walk up to someone...be it in a retail establishment, a business, or, say, at the front gate of some gated community...and they are mid-sentence helping/assisting you and the phone rings.  They tell you to wait, which is fine, and then they go ahead and help the caller until completion.  While I am still standing/sitting there.  HELLO? I was first. Why can't they tell the caller that they will be with them shortly after they finish assisting ME?! I don't get that and honestly, it drives me crazy.

5.  I made chipped beef last night.  Such a total 60s type meal! Larry and I both remember the meal from our childhoods...it was easy and delicious too and all three kids LOVED it (that is a rarity when ALL three like something at the same time!).  I doubled the white sauce and used only one package of chipped beef, so frugal too.

6.  We are finally seeing some heat around here.  Mid-to-upper 80s all week expected with thunderstorms here and there (naturally). 

7.  We have been walking every night...sometimes in the morning too...and last night we decided to walk to Jennifer's new elementary school across the street and the trees that surround the school is breathtaking! I can hardly wait to see that in the fall...very, very Pennsylvania-ish.  I know, go figure.

Random Bits

• I love summer vacation and all but between the stress of this move and all that it has entailed, I'm ready to pull my ever loving hair out strand by strand standing on a bed of nails.  For the love of God, make school start already.

• We just about completed the entire downstairs today.  Yesterday we brought in the last of the boxes that need to be unpacked.  Today we hung ALL the stuff on the walls, in every room down here.  I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, Larry hung shelves, and we pretty much de-cluttered the space down here.  We took the leaf out of the dining room table, rearranged a few things, and decorated. And the family room here is so quaint and cozy, I think I like it better than our family room in Idaho...
  

• We have been taking nightly walks that we all seem to totally enjoy.  But, because we no longer have that wonderful Idaho-doesn't-get-dark-until-after-10pm goodness, we have to hustle to get out for our walk before 8pm because within thirty minutes of that it starts to get dark.  But, the dog is LOVING it (and hopefully my hips too), especially because she is always on a leash (and wishes like hell she can bust out and attack the millions of rabbits in our yard).

• The laundry is never ever going away.  Every time we unpack stuff, I put it in the laundry room.  I am beginning to think that practice was a mistake.  I mean, seriously.  Some of it I am pulling out of the pile (smelling it just to make sure) and folding it.  What kind of crack was I smoking to think that every single solitary piece of cloth-related item that came from our house requires to be washed and therefore littering the not-huge space of my laundry room?!
  

• Upstairs looks like someone threw up clothes, boxes, and CRAP.  In our bedroom I need a map and a trained leader to guide me from the bed to the bathroom so I don't trip over piles of blankets, sheets, pillows, and decorative stuff.  And the bonus room...oh. my. god. Don't get me started.  That room is one huge MESSOLA.  The kids rooms and bathroom aren't too terribly horrible but there is now a lot of work to do up there (headboards for the boys, hanging stuff on walls, setting up the guest bedroom, etc. etc.).  But, at least I can be happy in my own little world downstairs for the time being.

• I have been able to finally go back to reading! Right now I am reading a book for the book club at our local library here in this town.  Looking forward to meeting more people at the meeting in a couple of weeks.  My favorite spot right now is reading in the sun room...it is all windows and has wonderful breezes and looks out onto trees (the neighbors houses are not on top of us at all...my guess are these lots are probably somewhere between 1/2 and a full acre).

• I miss my house in Idaho still.  We have renters in there now and I am happy that we were able to help some friends of ours...but, it is hard for me to "think" about them being in MY shower...enjoying MY laundry room...looking out the nook door and seeing all our landscaping and my trees...fixing a meal in MY kitchen with ALL those beautiful cabinets.  Ugh.  I try to not think too much about it because it makes my stomach hurt.

• We are all hooked on playing Wii Smarty Pants.  It is so much fun and we have been playing as a family almost every night.  Yesterday we played in between unpacking and moving boxes...it was a good diversion.

• The weather has been really nice...mild temperatures and no humidity.  Today it POURED and tomorrow it is supposed to be quite a bit warmer...87 and humid.  Yeah.

• I am tired.  Emotionally exhausted.  I feel as though I've been stretched like a rubber band and am about to snap.  I know I need to chill.  I know I need to relax.  I know I am letting too much bug me, but I can't seem to help it right now.  I'm tired of boxes and stuff and clutter and kids home bickering all day and all of it.  Just tired.  I need a break.

• I love popcorn.  I really do.  And the Cuisinart popcorn popper thingy is such a fantastic "gadget".  It pops the corn with amazingly delicious flavor.  I add some sea salt (the key, I believe) and spray butter and I am hooked.  For the past two nights I have added some hot pepper as well...yum...I am into the heat right now.

• My Blackberry has frozen up on me twice.  Why does it do this? It annoys me.  I've had to take out the battery and then put it back in.  While not terribly difficult, it bugs the crap out of me and really, I don't want to be bugged anymore than I already am. 

• My restlessness from moving here has actually had some pretty positive results in terms of my creativity and expanding into ways that I never would have thought, really.  I might have had a passing fancy but never the steps nor the "time" or desire to really act on it.  Suddenly, placed in an area far far from home and from anyone that I know and love, I am feeling the branches of growth and it is very exciting.  I will be sharing more in the weeks ahead on one of my blogs.

• This week we hope to do a bit more exploring...the kids want to play with new friends they have made...I want to get the upstairs cleaned and stuff put away and hung on walls like it is down here...and, hopefully by next weekend I can start the SLOW process of setting up my scrapbooking space in the bonus room.

• I promise to share photos soon! I just need to go up there and upload them...but, be prepared because I have a TON to share!!!  Soon, pinky swear.

• I am homesick.  I miss my family.  I miss my mom.  (I miss my dad!) I miss my friends.  I listen to my friend here talk about how close her parents are and how close her sisters are in both New Jersey and New York and I get choked up.  I have never experienced loneliness like this ever in my life and it is the saddest feeling right now.  Ugh.

Feeling...

extremely tired
overwhelmed
sad
lonely
missing my old life
missing idaho
tired of listening to bickering children
exhausted by the unpacking of boxes
stressed
lost
emotional
cranky
uncreative
so, so, so all alone
bored and restless
blah
like burning the long to-do list that doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast
like i want to sleep for a long time
like i need AIR
on a roller coaster

Me Time

Call me selfish.  I don't care.  But, I NEED Me Time.  In a big way.  And as of this very moment, I'm not getting any and it is showing.

For almost two months our schedule has been jacked up.  We have been in packing mode, moving mode, summer mode, crazy mode, yucky mold house mode, more moving, more adjusting, more chaos mode.  In another words, nothing has felt "normal" in my little corner of the world.  And I hate that crazy/chaos feeling.  But, I know that this too shall pass and things will settle in soon enough, blah, blah, blah.  I know.

But for right now, I'm one step into the doorway of bat-shit crazyland. 

And when Mom is not happy, the whole house pays the price, I'm afraid.

I realize that my job is one I chose...one that I wouldn't change...one that I love (on most days).  However, I need Me Time too.  And, if that makes me a bad mom or a selfish person, then so be it.  I've always been a firm believer of BALANCE.  My book states that balance is the key to harmony.

I don't require a whole lot in this Me Time to make my world a bit more rainbow-colored.  Before all of this moving nonsense I got together with friends EVERY Friday night for scrapbooking.  Sometimes it involved dinner, watching movies, embroidery, drinking wine, card making, etc. instead of scrapbooking but it always involved spending some downtime with friends, relaxing, and taking off the Mom Hat for a few hours.  Even when Larry was back east and I was left in Idaho with the kids, I still found a way to make Friday nights work.

In addition to the Friday night routine there was also a once a month book club...occasional lunches with friends...coffee at hastings for a few hours during the week.  Plus, I am a firm believer of regular bedtimes.  Even for the older kids.  They didn't necessarily need to go to "sleep" at 9pm but they had to be upstairs, in their rooms by then.  Obviously weekends and summertime I was a bit more lax.

You see, 9pm is my wall hitting time.  At 9:05 you can find my head hitting that wall, repeatedly, until you see blood.

For almost two months we have not had a regular anything.  It is hard to enforce regular bedtimes when you are sharing a hotel room for ten days.  Or, when you are knee deep in boxes and new surroundings.  Or, when you are packing, moving, and unpacking.  Things just get more crazy than I care to think about.

Hence, the almost non-existent bedtime around here.  Of course, summer is not in my favor coupled with the fact that I don't know anyone here and so far the women I have met don't scrapbook or do anything creative whatsoever. There isn't even a scrapbook store close by!  I did sign up for the book club at the library but that is still over two weeks away.  

I stay up (too) late because I need QUIET time that doesn't involve dealing with the needs of children.  I need time in my head to think, to be still, to find me.  I like being up (too) early before the kids get up too...but burning the candle at both ends starts to wear me down over time and makes that practice almost impossible. 

I miss my Me Time I had so easily in Idaho. 

And somehow I need to find it again so I can feel the peace within me because right now, I am being shadowed and definitely feeling the chill from spending too much time in the shade.