Oh Yes, Father's Day

Today is one of those days.

First, I am beyond excited that Larry is actually HERE and HOME and with US and able to celebrate and partake in all the father's day goodness like sleeping in and having his son make him waffles and cinnamon muffins.  Now, granted, there may be some box assembly and perhaps a little packing here and there sprinkled throughout the day, but by God, he will have a great day.

I am very blessed, as are the children, who have an amazing dad.  He is present and active in their lives.  He is there for them.  He listens to them.  He is caring and loving.  He fixes their bikes, helps with homework, and tucks them in bed.  He sits on the floor with them and plays games or is the happy participant in whatever stuffed animal, Barbie, or baby doll "activity" Jennifer thinks up.  He throws balls outside with them, goes into the pool with them, and will turn the sprinklers on just for them (something mom apparently does not know how to do).  He will make them special Swedish pancakes that takes him hours in the morning.  He will drive them to school and picks them up.  He is patient and totally involved.  He has the answers and can fix or solve just about any dilemma.  And, even more amazing, he has managed to accomplish and maintain a close bond even from afar...

I could not imagine a better partner in raising our children.  From the beginning he was right there, changing diapers and playing on the floor when they were toddlers.  We may not always agree on everything, but we definitely are behind one another and hopefully we are showing a loving, united front, despite all the challenges our family has faced in the past year.

I hope Larry has a wonderful Father's day today, as do all the great father's and grandfather's out there doing amazing jobs...HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.  I love you honey...so glad we are all together again.

Now, father's day.  Oy.

This is one of the harder days for me.  All the attention on dad's and father's and grandfather's.  And dammit, mine isn't here.

Celebrating "Father's Day" when yours is no longer here is like cake with no frosting.  It is still good, because, hey, it is CAKE after all, but it isn't quite as good nor is it quite the same.

Of course, I don't need father's day or his birthday or the anniversary of his death to think about or miss my dad.  I miss him literally every day.  Now, because it has been three plus years, my grief and sadness are done primarily privately.  Occasionally, I will let a tear roll in the presence of others, but most of my balling because I miss my dad more than anything is done in the privacy of my own space.

I talk to him a lot.  Especially when my mom is driving me crazy, I have been known to get mad at him for leaving me.  My world is TOTALLY different without him.  My life is TOTALLY different without him.  I miss talking to him.  I miss him in my life because he was THERE for just about everything.  I miss watching him with my kids.  Yesterday Jennifer cut out little pictures of my parents and Larry and I (just about everyone including the dog...EXCEPT her brothers) and will wear a picture of papa in her locket today (she wore Larry's picture yesterday).  Breaks my heart.

And, I know...he lived a long life; he is in a better place; we are supposed to expect our parents to die; and...the death of a parent is down far on the list of losing loved ones...

...however, all that sounds great on paper but when your heart aches, your heart aches.  Period.  And I will always feel that 39 years old was TOO YOUNG for me to lose my dad.

I had a great father.  Not a perfect one.  But one that was always there for me.  ALWAYS.  No matter what.  No matter how big or small the situation.  He was extremely present in my life from the time I could remember until the day he died.  And I never for once doubted his love for me.  Sure, we argued and sure he said things that drove me crazy, but he was an incredibly kind-hearted, loving man.  And I miss him more than I can possibly write.

Happy Father's Day dad...I love you so much and I miss you terribly.