Rough Draft

Ah, Children...

1.  I don't allow video game playing during the week during the school year.  It just works better that way.  Besides, the weekend hours of them playing video games is MORE than enough for me.  However, I am lax on the little GameBoy.  I don't have rhyme or reason, as clearly pointed out by Josh, who insists that Harrison should NOT be playing GameBoy because that is ALSO a "video game" (I love when my rules get turned on me!).  Fast forward to this morning:  Josh informs me that Jennifer is in his room playing a GameBoy GAME on the Game Cube.  Come again?  He said it was okay, wasn't it?  Because the GAME was a GameBoy game.  Did I enter some teenage crazy talk that I am unaware?  And, then, trying to explain why that is NOT okay to said teenager was seriously good times before the sun was even out!  I want to know when teenagers start speaking English and understanding the words I am saying?

2.  The kids discovered my yearbook (I have it out to refer to on Facebook because I know faces way more than I can remember names!) and besides hearing them chuckle and gawk...they came to my pictures they said, "wow mom you were a chick!"  Shocker.  I was not born a mother.  Who knew?

3.  I went to the school last Friday to watch Harrison receive a star award for helpfulness.  After the awards, the principal recognized Harrison and another boy for stepping up and helping out a teacher who had her room semi-destroyed by some children.  Harrison and this other boy saw the mess, picked it all up without being told or without expecting recognition.  At the end of the assembly the principal came up to me and said:  "I know I told you this already, but he is such a good kid!"  As I was taking pictures of Harrison, his Peacemaker teacher/leader came up to me and said: "You have such a great boy there!"  Honestly, I was beaming.  I was so proud of him.  Those are really, really good moments in life.

4.  My mom arrived and within hours was outside surveying my garden/yard.  First, I will start with justification that even my mom, I think is mildly unaware...it has been winter until, what, two weeks ago?  Therefore, hello, we don't GARDEN IN THE WINTER here.  There might be some freak somewhere in his greenhouse or some crazy green thumb spinster with her kitchen herbs, but the rest of us do not go out and garden when it is 20 degrees outside and the foliage is dormant.  Second, and I hate to beat a dead horse here, but MY HUSBAND HAS NOT BEEN HERE.  Therefore, despite the nicer weather NOW and the blooms popping up everywhere, I have barely enough time to catch my breath and she expects me to go outside with my bonnet and sing to the tulips.  Look, it ain't in me at the moment.  It isn't that I am happy about it, but I am nothing if not at least able to recognize my limits.

So, THAT said...she couldn't understand why I didn't prune my roses back in the fall...why didn't I go out to the vegetable garden and pick the greens that were growing out there, etc. etc. etc.  To which I shrug my shoulders and mumble under my breath (in my sometimes horrible attempts at NOT fighting with my mother) that I have been ALONE for over six (fucking) months.  However, Josh says to my mother: "Well, she has been raising 3 kids all by herself"  My little hero! I would have never thought to see that coming!  I silently gave him a high-five and a way-to-go and a you-rock along with a huge smile.  At least I know they are kinda paying attention to all the shit that comes out of my mouth!

5.  As a mother and a scrapbooker I have captured many firsts over these fourteen years.  First time on the potty, first haircut, first tooth, first day of school and so on.  And because I was overly sensitive to the whole "you do more picture taking/recording for your firstborn" that I went overboard with my second and bat-shit crazy with my third.  I kinda feel sorry for Josh sometimes because the other two came in the heyday of my newly acquired scrapbooking craze and truly got the lion's share. 

However. 

Last weekend I took Jennifer out to look for new shoes.  She needed new tennis shoes and little white shoes for her first communion on Saturday.  When she was trying on a pair of tennis shoes she sat down and tied them.

I stood there open mouthed.

I asked her how long she has been tying her shoes?  To which she replied, "a while".

Really?

How is it possible that I never noticed?  I assumed her brother was helping her in the morning.

I have pictures of both boys on the DAY they mastered tying their shoes.  Now, I realize (please don't send the hate mail) that IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF LIFE THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.  I get that, I really, REALLY do.  She nor I will need therapy because I didn't capture on film the first time she tied her shoes.

And if I take a picture now it is like taking a picture of a five year old walking for the first time.  The moment is over.  And I missed it.

But, on the flip side, my daughter has finally learned how to tie those pesky shoelaces!  Good thing the pair of shoes I bought her are elastic slip-ons.  Talk about good timing.

Seat Warmers

Can someone tell me why my Suburban's driver-side seat warmer ONLY works when it ISN'T freezing outside?  Seriously, WTF is up with THAT?

To Sport Or Not To Sport

This spring we made the decision to not have our kids play any sports.  Basically, to limit most of our activities because, while I sometimes think I am, I am NOT Superwoman/Mom.  In another words: I know my limitations.

This decision was not made lightly.  I agonized over not having the kids play sports.  I felt guilty and like a horrible mom for keeping them away from what they enjoy.  But, I am flying solo and moving our family across the country is about all I can feasibly be expected to handle at the moment.

Harrison was initially bummed.  He LOVES soccer.  Jennifer was bummed too but she is fine playing in the fall, as was Harrison after the initial shock of the decision.  Mostly, I MISS watching them play a lot.  I LOVE watching the kids play soccer...well, all sports really.  It may be a challenge to get everyone up and ready and out the door with chairs, umbrellas, blankets, water bottles, and snacks...but I really do love being present in my kids lives while they explore and learn new sports.

Soon, most of our extra curricular activities will come to an end.  We have religious education for one more week and then Jennifer makes her first communion and we are all finished.  And, boy scouts will continue but it is fairly "minimal" other than a weekly meeting.  Other than the school projects that will now be in full force as we enter May, we will be fairly free (and that is kinda exciting and liberating right now!)

I have also cancelled a good share of "other" things that have been littering my life along the way...which was fine when my husband was here but it is a totally different thing when I am here by myself.

For starters, volunteering at the school.  I felt bad initially because I loved the teachers, etc. but the bottom line is that the daytime hours are my ONLY "alone" minutes.  And, during those alone minutes there are things that need to be done, obviously, plus keeping the house clean, the car running, food in everyone's belly, and clean clothes on everyone's back.  It had to go.  I began to feel myself being pulled and tugged and EXHAUSTED more times than not.  I'm still fighting that exhausted feeling but cutting back has helped a great deal.  It also has helped at the end of the day when everyone comes home and I am in a much better place to deal with the nighttime routines.

My little clubs have gone too.  I did a stamp club that was fun for awhile but then without Larry here to watch the kids, those Sunday afternoon grown up minutes learning new techniques and socializing with adults became a challenge for me.  Same with my book club...with spring and summer being busy times for families not to mention my own busy time with this move, it was best to put that to an end as well.

I've taken some unfair "heat" from all this too...which surprises me, honestly.  Comments like, "why is she so busy, her kids aren't even in sports?"  REALLY?  All I can say is that I have to do what is best for me and MY FAMILY.  I'm not at my best if my calendar is bulging and I am pulled in fifty directions.  Spring, in the past, has ALWAYS been busy for us...sports, scouting, the church activities, school projects, school functions, holidays, etc. etc.  And even with Larry here we are running like chickens with our heads cut off.  Solo is impossible...FOR ME. 

I don't need to run around nonstop to feel like I am being the perfect Mom. 

FOR ME, having serious downtime where the kids can play outside and ride their bikes and Jennifer can draw on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, walk the dog, and we can read and watch movies together and eat dinner together EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AT THE TABLE is important.  I'm not saying we will never have months where we are very busy (and I do look forward to the kids being back in sports and I do feel that organized sports is important) in the future, but I will at least have a spouse full time again too.

It all boils down to one magical word that fits into every aspect of my life:  BALANCE.

I may savor my daytime minutes A LOT while the kids are in school...but, I am always there for them:  homework, projects, putting out the fires, keeping them fed, making sure they are in an environment that is safe, clean and secure, taking them from point A to point B...but, in return I enjoy a night where I scrapbook...time when I sit and just read...time when I sit in here and write for hours.

BALANCE.  I can be a present mom and still do the things I enjoy.

Questions Answered

I admit that I am updating almost daily on my IDTOPA blog but I have had to really look back in my notebook for this blog lately.  Some of the stuff I have in my notes to write about, I"m too lazy at the end of the day to do it.  Anyway, this list of questions I stumbled onto a long time ago but I've never answered them...so, here goes...

1.  How long do showers take?  I try and take shorter ones but I catch myself sometimes just standing under the hot water zoning out.  Other times I  am thinking about all kinds of things...I come up with my best and most thought-provoking ideas standing in that shower. If I had to guess, maybe 10 minutes and as much as 15.

2.  Do you know how to drive a stick?  Yes.  Harrison and I just talked about this.  I learned how to drive on my friend Wendy's old Datsun stick shift and my second car was a stick.  I'm glad I learned and I'm glad I know how but I don't ever want to drive a stick again.  Pain in the ass.

3.  Cake or ice cream?  Oh my God, no brainer: ICE CREAM!!!

4.  Where do you wish you were?  On vacation with my family.

5.  Last gift you received?  A cute embroidered flower with the word, "Simplify" embroidered and framed and is now hanging in my guest bathroom.

6.  Last wedding attended?  My niece Carrie and her husband Tom in Lake Tahoe in October of 2004.

7.  Most hated food?  A toss up between Cheerios, store-bought cakes, and apples.

8.  Can you sing?  I WISH! (But, I sure can pretend)

9.  Least favorite chore?  Cleaning the toilets.  YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

10.   Favorite drink?  Water, coffee, and wine.

11.  Are your parents married or divorced?  They were married...and at the time of my dad's death they had just celebrated 54 years.

12.  Do you eat the stems of the broccoli?  Yes, that is my favorite part of broccoli.

13.  What do you wear to bed?  Matching grey (tank) top and bottom PJ's...even in the dead of winter I wear a tank top.

14.  Future kids names?  Well, technically we don't plan to have any more kids but if we did I would like: Blaine; Quincy; Ainsley; Paige.

15.  Gold or silver?  I own a lot of both and I like both...depends on the day and my mood.

16.  Hamburger or hot dog?  Hamburger, for sure.  Unless it is some heavenly Johnsonville Bratwurst or something then I can make myself sick!

17.  City, beach, or country?  Well, I did the whole beach thing and that is not really my thing.  I lived in a big city and I liked that at the time. The country would depend on how small-ass the town actually is.  Maybe a cross between city and country.

18.  Favorite soap?  Ivory.

In Our San Diego Days...

Yesterday Harrison and I talked about our move to Pennsylvania and how many cool things we have seen and done here in Idaho.  Before we knew it we were both rattling off every place we've been to! 

I blogged about our list here at my other blog and you can see that list there.

When I sat down to right that post I called Larry to read it to him and he added a few we forgot...then, we started rattling off the places in San Diego that we've been to.  (I know, riveting stuff, right?)  So, for fun I thought I would list a similar list here based on our years in San Diego, 1991-2004.  I will also similarly list the spots I wish we had gone to at least once more before we left.

The interesting thing about this list is that for the 13 years we were there, the list is almost half of the Idaho list and we've only been here for just under five years.  This has been an amazing state to explore and I'm pretty sure that the east is going to be even more amazing.  In fact, Larry has found some books he is bringing home in a week...and one of the books state: "follow the Civil War trail to Gettysburg."  Oh. My. God.  Be still my heart.

Here is our San Diego List:

1.  Coronado (we went there a lot...to walk the town, drive around looking at pretty houses, eat lunch, etc.  We also went there every Christmastime with my parents for our annual look at their HUGE tree in the Hotel Del Coronado! Fun memories.)
2.  Seaport Village
3.  The beach (duh.  But, honestly, we didn't go THAT often, considering the closeness we were to the water.  I'm not a HUGE fan of sand and the ocean to "swim" in kinda scares me. Give me a pool anyday!)
4.  Julian (another place we went to every year, mostly with my parents too...we went in the fall stopping first at the bread place to get fresh loaves and then to the city to walk around, eat lunch, and pick apples.)
5.  Pro games (obviously Padres and Chargers.)
6.  Legoland
7.  Sea World
8.  The Zoo (Darcie, this world famous zoo wasn't my favorite either.  I guess I'm simply not a zoo kind of person.)
9.  Wild Animal Park (ugh, never my favorite place to go.)
10.  Tour bus of the city (Larry and I did this when we first moved down there.)
11.  Balboa Park and ALL their museums (we loved this place a lot and went often...the museums were amazing and my favorite was the international houses!)
12.  Pumpkin patches (we went every year, again mostly with my parents too, one was further, Bell Gardens, and the other one was much closer in Escondido but I can't remember the name now.)
13.  Metro train ride into downtown  (we did this only once with my parents and Josh when I was pregnant with Harrison.)
14.  Downtown (mainly Little Italy and lunch...YUM...and shopping for ingredients only found down there!  I miss that A LOT living here where you can't find Italian ANYTHING but boy, Larry tells me where we are going there are TONS of Italian places...Hardly wait!)
15.  Mexico  (we never did this once we had kids but Larry and I would go with friends across the border and have ourselves a BLAST!)
16.  Torrey Pines (we took long walks with the boys.)
17.  LaJolla  (again, just walking the city, window shopping, eating, mostly, again, with my parents!)
18.  Temecula wine tasting (at one point Larry and I were going every weekend! Some of the tasting rooms knew us by name!  We bought cases and cases and CASES of wine over the years! Loved wine tasting...we had so much fun!!!)
19.  Birch Aquarium
20.  Harbor Dinner Tour (Larry and I only vaguely remember doing this obviously PRE babies too.)
21.  Del Mar Fair (I know, I know, they don't call it the Del Mar Fair anymore, but to us it will always be!)
22.  Old Town (my favorite down there besides the incredible food would be the haunted house.)
23.  Children's museum
24.  Mission Bay (we had picnics every year with Larry's boss/friend.)

Now, there might have been a few other places we went to but honestly, can't remember them anymore. 

I think the biggest difference between there and here is that...besides the obvious ocean beauty and the gorgeous weather in San Diego...there is much more to EXPLORE here in Idaho...everywhere you turn it is amazingly beautiful.  The open land, the mountains, the rivers, the TREES, the farms, the SKY and those CLOUDS, clean air, no traffic, etc.

We spent just about five years in San Diego before we had Josh and so Larry and I did a lot of exploring and driving and tasting wine, etc.  Those were some really GOOD years...FUN times spent as a couple.

As you can see by the list many of the places were spent with my parents.  ALSO GREAT MEMORIES.  We not only spent several days a week with them having meals together...but also every Sunday after church was spent together, special days and holidays, and so much more.  Honestly, I DO miss that a lot especially now with my dad gone and my mom not here all the time.

I recently told my mom that I have WONDERFUL memories of our time in San Diego...I really do...and while I am very glad that my mom is comfortable there and loves living there, San Diego was never really my thing and I knew immediately that living there was never going to be our permanent place.  That town is simply not me.  Now, if my parents had stayed in Los Angeles, maybe things would have been different.  That will ALWAYS be my home when I think of southern California. 

There were a few things I wish we had done prior to leaving not only San Diego but also southern California...

1.  Sea World.  By far my favorite place down there.  The last time we went Jennifer was a baby and we had absolutely the best family day at Sea World.  I wanted to go one last time, especially for Jennifer to see.  When we vacationed there in 2007 I had hoped to make a trip to Sea World but Legoland won out in the end.
2.  A last drive through the winery country of Temecula.  I miss that place a lot and all those yummy wines!
3.  Los Angeles. Now, I know, it's silly... and we did venture there in 07...but I wish I had spent a day down at the recorders office making copies of all kinds of documents.  It just never worked out.

In the end, there wasn't much left that I desired to see or see again.  It was great for the memories it held, but I was more than happy to move on in my life and see much more and much less traffic.  I think that was the most shocking discovery moving here...in San Diego whenever we drove somewhere we sat on the freeway, in traffic, before hitting whatever destination we were after.  Here, the journey was almost as enjoyable as our destination because all around us was beauty.

I love this state.  I love this town.  It is kind and beautiful and has given me many good (and, well, some bad too) memories that I will once again pack away and bring out like I do with San Diego...

Boise and San Diego will be yet another chapter I am closing and am growing more and more anxious for the next book to open for I'm sure it will be filled with even more memories and even more exploring and discovery.

Trouble In The Hood

What happens to little boys once they start going through puberty and growing taller?  I don't mean specifically, of course!  We have these three boys in the neighborhood who have been nothing but problems. 

At first I didn't realize, as you don't normally do when you move into a new neighborhood.  Within weeks of the boys playing with this little (brat) kid, I told Josh and Harrison it might be best if they found other kids to play with.  Basically I banned them from playing with him.  He was trouble as a fifth grader and he is a monster as an eighth grader.  One of those boys who will most likely grow up in a life of crime after he has bullied everyone between middle and high school.

His two cronies are also bratty boys but luckily up until just this past week my boys have had very little contact with them.  They just have never been the boys cup of tea, friend-wise.  However, these boys are brats too...if you remember, these two boys were the ones ding-dong ditching us and throwing Pepsi on our door over the summer.

For the past several years, this past summer notwithstanding, we have been able to avoid almost all contact with these bratty boys...

...until this past Monday.

It all started when they knocked on my door claiming my boys "ruined" a bike ramp they have formed on dirt lot next to us.  Oh brother.  Okay.  I tell them that technically no one should be playing on that dirt lot since it is private property, not even my boys...and I told them that from the looks of their "ramp", it all looked still intact to me.  They were mouthy.  I refrained from going off, reminding myself that these were CHILDREN.

Shortly after the one main "leader", the brattiest and worst of them all, stood across the street and waved.  Waving nonstop.  What the fuck?  So, I open the door and ask him if everything is alright.  He answers me with a "it isn't against the law to stand over here and wave".  No, you LITTLE SHIT it isn't.

Meanwhile, as I have the door open to my annoying little waver, the dog gets out.  And if you didn't know she was a harmless little Beagle, you would think a German Shepard was after your ass.  She barked like mad and basically chased the waver and his two bratty followers all the way up the street.

Josh went after the dog and every time he was close to grabbing her the brats called Bridget's name and the dog went running some more.

LONGGGGGGGGG story short (really, this is short? I know, I know, I'm not capable but you know that by now, right?) I made a call to Larry, Okay, more than one call, a call to the police because at this point they were riding their bikes back and forth in front of my house and I had to leave Josh here ALONE and I was anxious to do so, and then finally went out and talked to two out of the four mothers involved who were gathered on the driveway...

I told them that their kids were first and foremost DISRESPECTFUL (which also prompted a long conversation with my own boys about 1) don't ruin things that other people do just for spite.  Leave their shit alone and do your own thing.  Basically, don't cause trouble just because; and 2) if they were EVER disrespectful like that towards adults I would punish them severely).  

I also realized a sad truth.  These boys don't respect women.  I'm sure you saw that writing on the wall.  Normally I can open the door, talk calmly to little bratty kids and they move on and we move on and it's all over with minimal problems.  This wasn't the case with them.  They were mouthy and bratty and I had to remember that flipping them off and telling them to fuck off would NOT have been appropriate no matter how much I wanted to.  This is the time that I miss having Larry here because I guarantee if a man had walked out there instead of me, they would have acted differently.  Pisses me off.  Bratty little shits.

Anyway, one mother told me that she didn't know what was going on with these boys and they were all acting VERY territorial.  She then went on to say that, and I quote because it is too fucking lame to make up, "the world is round and we all just need to get along."  OMG.  OKAY quack job.  Right.  Stop your boy from being a B.R.A.T.  How about starting there?

Since then we have had nothing but trouble.  The boys complained that I let my dog loose and she was biting at their tires (good dog).  They make comments as I drive by.  They make fun of and tease my boys.  They stand in the middle of the street like gang members taunting all who walk or ride by.  Other little boys are now giving my boys crap for even BEING on this empty lot next to us.  It has started a snowball.  And the bottom line: Josh and Harrison weren't even distroying their "ramps"...they were on the "path" these brats made, and the boys did have a hammer and a mallet (which I told them to put away even before all this had taken place) but nothing was ultimately ruined at all...meaning all this angst and bully behavior was really for nothing. 

During the week, no surprise, the three boys were all in detention.  They are bullies.

Today, the boys were outside playing ball together.  The ball was kicked and Josh went after it.  The bratty boys grabbed the ball and threw it further.  Harrison suggested (loudly) that Josh go and get Uncle Mike (they were close to his house by now) and Josh went walking onto his driveway and the boys took off running.

UGH.

Spring In Idaho

After almost five years in this state I have finally realized that I no longer remember what the (dull) spring was like in southern California.  No offense.  But, as I have said probably every spring, it is by far my least favorite season.  However, living here it is hard to not LOVE spring when it comes...

After MONTHS of winter and dormant plants and cold temperatures and grey days and snow and a lawn mower and gardening gloves that lay in the shed from mid-October until late April...it is finally sprouting color into the landscape.

Grass is finally turning green.  Flowers are popping out of the soil.  Plants that have been brown and dormant for MONTHS are now turning green and other colors.

Spring makes you want to walk outside.  Soak up the sun.  Get outside into the garden.

The sun is shining.  The temperatures this weekend and next week will be well into the 70s...pushing almost 80 degrees late next week.  The wind is blowing.  The hats and gloves and scarves have been PUT AWAY.

Today I donned flip-flops.  A tad bit early, yes, but man I love those.

Spring is such a pretty time...especially when it happens literally overnight.  One morning you notice all the grass is yellow and brown.  The next day, most of the lawns have turned green.

Hello spring.

New Stuff Everywhere

I have had three blogs for a long time. 

This one here has been my main blog and truly my writing baby.  However, I had another one which had a different theme altogether and was not open to everyone.  I kept it private from the get go and only opening it to a handful of people via password protection.  My third blog was open for awhile...it was the blog that I sharedcrafts to do with kids.  As you can read over there, I grew tired of blogging only crafts, especially after working months on the book with the same theme.

The summertime adventures blog has been untouched for over a year.  And, the totally private blog has been re-worked and opened now to the public.

The second blog is now titled: Creative Juices and you can find the link here and over on the sidebar.  It will be a blog that will feature many different creative expressions:  book talk, my own writing excerpts from recent projects to stuff I wrote awhile ago, scrapbook layouts and projects, embroidery, and craft ideas for kids, etc.

The third blog is titled: ID TO PA.  I'm pretty sure you can guess what this is going to be about.  You can also find it here and on the sidebar.  I wanted a place where I can talk of nothing else without weighing down this blog with all my moving-related ramblings.  This will not only be a place where I will discuss our life here currently, the process of moving, the ups and downs and everything in between, but also a place to discuss our new life in our new state.  (Yes, I know we are a couple of weeks away from May 1st...but, what can I say? All signs point to the obvious.)

Three blogs may seem a little excessive, but honestly, all this writing and blogging has completely changed how I write and how I express thoughts...all for the better.  My own writing...from articles to novels to non-fiction books...have ALL benefited from blogging.  I like to think it is a nice warm-up for getting down to business.

So, there you have it.  Three blogs.  I know, some of you think this one is MORE THAN ENOUGH...and if that is the case, hey, no problem...you make the choice to click and read and if you don't like what I'm saying or think I am using language you find offensive or not good I will say this: I write the way it comes to me.  Sometimes the profanity is there and sometimes it isn't.  I'm a big girl and write as I please, basically, so if it bugs you, feel free to move on, I'll be okay, pinky swear.

I've also changed the header.  Can't say this will stay for a long time.  I love the typewriter but not crazy about the color choices Typepad has given me.  SInce I have had a custom header for so long I wasn't even aware of all the new choices, so I may be playing around a bit with that.  I guess a time for change has even hit my blogging.

Random Monday

1.  No matter how old your kids get, they love Easter baskets and egg hunts!  Too much fun.

2.  I am disappointed over the fact that despite the changes occurring ALL THE TIME that sometimes it is hard for some to jump on board and grab life and move forward and change things up and create NEW traditions and rituals.  Sure, I have VERY FOND memories of my past, however, I am open and excited about creating NEW memories based on what is happening all around me.  It is life.  Life changes.  And instead of moping and hiding under my pillow and wishing it could be 1974 again, I am going to embrace the changes and look forward to creating new and equally memorable events for MY family.

3.  I wish I wasn't affected by negativity/guilt/meanness/hurtful words, etc. etc. in my world.  I wish I could dust it all off my shoulders.  Wish it didn't bum me out.  Wish for one minute that things could be different.  Moving forward, at least trying to.

4.  There is A LOT going on in my world right now.  Trying to keep from being overwhelmed.  Making A LOT of phone calls and setting up appointments with all kinds of people.  The decision to slow down our lives in terms of sports, etc. this spring has been a WONDERFUL decision for us, despite how some think I should now be free to do ANYTHING, LOL.  However, with the crazy list of a million things going on at once, I am finding myself totally forgetful, without the right words, and a brain that is jumbled and seriously messed up!

5.  And yet despite that, I have found a new source of energy and motivation for something that has been missing in my world for A LONG TIME...it is coming back and I am EXCITED.  High hopes.

6.  Now I gotta go and get the kids ready for school.  What was I thinking writing at 8am?!

I Hope

Here is what I hope to be for my kids...

I hope to laugh and be silly more times than not.
I hope to ensure that my kids know without a shadow of a doubt that I love them more than ANYTHING else.
I hope to not lay guilt or make them feel bad to serve my own selfish causes.
I hope to teach them a lot of different things and support them in everything they do.
I hope to have the strength and courage to let them fly when they get their wings.
I hope to enjoy life, enjoy them, enjoy the fleeting moments the best I can.
I hope to stand by them ALWAYS and NO MATTER WHAT.
I hope to have balance in my life.
I hope to never bury my head to avoid dealing with the challenges of life realizing that we were never promised easy and good ALL THE TIME and through the challenges and pain we grow both emotionally and spiritually.
I hope to do my best at not screwing them up.
I hope to do my best at making them feel safe and secure and loved and taken care of.
I hope to provide wonderful memories...even bad memories or not so good memories...that we can look back on one day.
I hope to provide them with traditions that will make them feel always loved.
I hope to attend every single solitary recital, game, play, graduation, and any other little or big event in their lives.
I hope to be a grandmother who is fun and has fun with her grandchildren.
I hope to be a grandmother that makes her family a priority, even though I fully intend to have my own life, but knows how to balance her own life and her family's life.
I hope to be a grandmother that allows her grandchildren to help her make cookies, brings out the finger paints (although I fully intend to still despise play-doh!), and plays games.
I hope to be a grandmother who will sit with her grandchildren and look over the three million scrapbooks I have completed, show them how to garden or make meatballs or how to embroider.
I hope to be a good listener.
I hope to know each child in their own unique way and cherish the differences.
I hope to be present in their lives but at the same time giving them the space to make their own decisions and live their own lives.
I hope to keep our family unit strong and loving and supportive and kind.

I'm trying.