We all have those appropriate list of comments we say to other people, don't we? It isn't that we are being mean or heartless when we say them, but they are a bit molded out of cardboard at times, are they not? They just happen to be fitting at times when we need that little something to say to someone else.
Hang in there.
Be strong.
I'm here if you need anything.
Let me know if you need anything.
I know exactly what you are going through.
My heart goes out to you.
You will be missed.
Be grateful.
Be thankful.
At least you have your health.
You get the idea. I hear a lot of them on a regular basis and it isn't that they aren't meaningful when people say them or that they aren't genuinely being kind and thoughtful...I'm sure they are...but I have found myself answering in stock answers that really don't delve any deeper into who I really am than noticing the color of my hair.
In my case, right now and for the purpose of this post, the statements go a little something like this:
"Do you have kids?"
"Yes, three...(and I give ages and grades)."
"How are they liking it here?" (Here is the start of the line of statements...)
"They like it a lot." (Jennifer misses her friends and wants to go to Idaho for her birthday next June so she can celebrate with her friends. Harrison misses his best friend so much it bums him out to be living here.)
"Well, and once they get involved in things...(do they play sports?) they will start making all kinds of friends." (Yes, I'm sure they will.)
"And then you will start making friends with the parents of the kids in the same sport or scouting or dance class, etc." (And, there it is.)
"Uh huh."
And thus ends our conversation.
Something dawned on me yesterday when this conversation took place not once but three times. How many times have I heard that kids are resilient and they will meet people and they will be fine? But, don't they have the right to be missing their friends and home too? Are they supposed to just bounce back and meet good friends and ride the rainbow of utter and true peace and happiness from the very beginning? I don't think that is realistic. I'm not saying they are, nor am I endorsing whatsoever, them to become depressed hermits (I've got that role covered) but they are, in their own way, dealing with the challenges that come with a big move just like the rest of us.
The other thing I discovered is that people just assume you will meet people when you get your kids involved. And, for the most part that is true. You do meet people that way. However, a) this is a small town and people know everyone and more than half the people in this town have lived here there entire lives and so they have formed friendships a million years ago. What does that mean? They aren't necessarily looking to add some woman from the west (Idaho??! Wow, what are you doing in NE PA?) into their circle of friends. Now, are they ALL like that? No, I'm sure they aren't. And, let me also be clear here. The people are FRIENDLY. Very, very friendly. Helpful. Nice. Thoughtful. Caring. Sweet. But, are they actively looking to bond with new friends? No, not necessarily. Sure, I've met some neighborhood women but most of them are not really my cup of tea, so to speak. b) I don't really (truly) WANT to meet anyone (despite my mother's insistence that if I meet a friend all my troubles will disappear).
Now, I know. Don't start shaking your head and waging your finger at me via your computer screen and thinking up bad names for me.
It is a catch-22. I am lonely. I am missing my home and my family and my friends and my life in Idaho. And yet, I am sitting here not wanting to meet anyone and the ones I have met are not my cup of tea. Oh, poor me. Wah, wah. Grow up. Get over yourself. Put your big girl panties on. Move on. Blah, blah, blah.
However, I have been in crowds, in rooms, in kitchens, in a mansion...all full of people...friendly people...people who are nice and talkative and thoughtful...and yet I have never felt more lonely in all my life. So, I don't believe that just the fact that you have surrounded yourself with warm bodies makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside automatically.
Maybe I'm just a big pain in the ass baby who needs to get over the fact that she now lives in the middle of fucking nowhere in a place that she finds incredibly difficult to call home and is suddenly talking in the third person for no apparent reason.
The funny/ironic part is the women I was talking to who all had similar things to say to me were women on this committee I found myself on and whom I sat across the dining room table on more than a few occasions in the past month. And they were all telling me to go to my kids school and make friends there. Go to my son's basketball game and meet the fellow mothers. Go and find your kids friends and there you will find your newest BFF. Really? Okay. I'm not so sure.
What is wrong with me?
Oh, wait. Scratch that. Don't answer. I already feel like shit.
For starters I am not a very outgoing person and in times like this with a move like this, I wish I were. I wish I could just get myself out there and blab to this one and that one and inch myself into one circle after another with a bottle of wine and promises of trips to the city and sharing nail polish. But, I'm not.
I'm also a bit gun shy. There are some deputes over my ability to be a good friend/daughter/sister/aunt/mother. What if I just leave more destruction in my wake? Add more names to the growing list of people I have upset, hurt, or pissed off and therefore don't care to ever talk to me again?
And, I don't think I have it in me to give right now. To be a good friend you need to listen as much as you talk. You need to genuinely care about the other persons life and share in the good and bad times. You need to be trustworthy and kind. And, I'm not sure I have much to offer right now. I'm tired, emotional, down, sad, lonely, frustrated, bored, restless, unhappy. Oh yeah, let's get behind this nut-job.
So, I nod my head when they inform me the best way to meet people and they walk away thinking they have truly helped this woman who is new here find some roots and meet new friends.
And inside I continue to feel lonelier and lonelier.