Rough Draft

Random

1.  Last month when I was watching The View Barbara Walters had a stack of Christmas cards she was going to share with all us peons.  Could she be any more condescending and irritating?  "And here....is one from....can you guess by the signature???" as she held up a card from Buckingham Palace.  Oh. My. God. Doesn't anyone over there see how pompous and obnoxious she is showing the audience what famous people she receives cards from?  She might have done wonders for women in broadcasting but I cannot stand the woman.

2.  Why is there a light on the vacuum cleaner? Do people clean at night? Do you REALLY need to see the shit under a bed or dresser? Um, no, just vacuum it up.

3.  Is the pen industry also responsible for making pencil sharpeners?  Because that would be the only explanation why NONE of the pencil sharpeners we have in this house seem to work properly.  I pick up a pencil in the cup and it will inevitably need to be sharpened but sharpening pencils has made me want to kill myself.

4.  Puffel.  It was a word that Jennifer used (not sure why) but I love it.  Try it. Say it. Puffel.  It is a fun (non) word.  I want to name my imaginary bird that I will get one day: Puffel.  Puffel the bird.  Has a certain ring...

5.  Beverly Hills Housewives.  My total guilty pleasure.  And, can I just say that besides the jewels, the billions, and the mansions there is some connectability there.  No, really.  Take Taylor for instance.  Her marriage was a mess and yet she continued to lie about it and then when her FRIENDS tried to talk sense into her she denied it all and blamed the other women for lying...only later she came out and said they were right and she was lying about it all.  Hmmm.  Despite status, wealth, and fame we are all just alike.  You take any six or seven women that are friends and put them in front of cameras for months and let those cameras follow the women around inside their homes, inside their marriage, inside their life...and there WILL be drama and lies and broken friendships.  Hell, that kind of shit goes on right here in this town too.  Only minus the jewels, billions, and mansions.  Asshole husbands, however, there seems to be an abundance.

6.  Mitt Romney and Obama.  Dear Lord. I want to move to Canada.

7.  The lot next to our house has sold.  We went seven years without anyone on that side of us and then last year new neighbors moved in. Now, there will be another house right next door but a) I hope they are not Mormon...no offense...but my God would it kill them to be friendly to us non-Mormons? Jesus H.  b) It shouldn't impact us too much because there will be total privacy from inside our house.  There will be some change out front (there will be a fence which will seem strange for awhile) and maybe a bit in the back.  One thing is for sure: with two new houses next door we will need to plant at least three trees in that corner to provide us with more privacy.  For those that wonder why this is an issue for me it is because I came from San Diego where every window looked into a neighbors window or house to some degree (and so close we could pass sugar between the neighbors windows).  There was not one window that provided us any privacy so when we built this house that was almost my number one factor.  

8.  Lately it has been pretty cold at night so we have been leaving the heater on upstairs set for 58.  When it got REALLY cold we set it at 60 degrees and I swear I can tell the difference in the middle of the night because I wake up kicking off the comforter.  I like it COLD when I sleep...

9.  I recently stumbled onto a blog and was surprised to see that this mildly well-known person was getting a divorce.  Not sure why it should surprise me in today's world, but this woman seemed to have such an idyllic life and it made me wonder why I used to feel that way about a person I didn't know in real life.  Interesting how we are able to mask what is really going on by a pretense that everything is perfect and rosy.

10.  I got a flyer in the mail about ordering checks with different designs on them.  Do people still do this?  I mean, who uses checks anymore? I use a handful on a regular basis: our homeowners association bill because you can't pay online; all school related stuff from lunches to pictures to yearbooks; the church; and taxes.

11.  My new computer is so fast! I love it. Pictures, boom.  Research, kabam. Click from one site to another, lighening speed.  I knew I would love my newest BFF.  Now, if only she enjoyed a glass of wine now and then.

12.  I love this saying and last month when I had a couple of super special people over, Corinna and Sara W., this summed up how I felt about gathering with girlfriends just before the rush of the holidays and a time to sit back and reflect on what matters most:  "Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire.  It is the time for home." -Edith Sitwell.

13.  I think I have gotten used to the ticking of the clock in here.  Sometimes I forget it is even noisy.

14.  The dog has an annoying habit.  When we have people over she barks if we are sitting around the table or sitting in the family room or standing in the kitchen.  Barks.  Barks.  Barks.  Like she is saying, "hey!!! don't forget about me! just because someone is here I need to be noticed too!  HEY! HEY! HEY! what about me?!?!"  Dear Lord, is there anything we can do to break this awful habit?  Anyone? Advice?

15. We recycle paper around here.  I tear the sheet up into fours and place stacks of it everywhere.  (This hopefully will break my husband of writing a note on anything he can find...including documents, cards, etc.  OY.)  However, I now have a stack of written pieces of paper that I need to deal with.  When I die my kids are going to find pieces of paper with half written thoughts, ideas, blog posts, websites, words, and lists in every space imaginable.  Sorry, kids.  I have a small piece of paper problem.  Even with notebooks that I use to write EVERYTHING in, I STILL write on little pieces of paper.

The Turn Of The Century

I think I am certifiably crazy.

Back in 1999 I decided to work on a small project that I thought would be super fun to look back on and reflect upon.  I took pictures of our life at the turn of the century.  Gas prices, movie marque, grocery stores, cars, our street, our house, the kids, our clothes, routes around town, made lists of what was in and what made news in 1999.  I even had clippings of the dozens of Y2K nonsense that had us all drawing cash out of the bank on December 31st.

In early 2000 I completed the mini-album.

However, in the next couple of years my scrapbooking did a 180 and I found the original project simple and dorky looking.  So, I set upon redoing the album complete with another set of photographs (I used to develop duplicates back then).

Then, when we moved in 2004 I decided that the project, completed now twice, still was not up to the style of scrapbooking I had grown accustomed and decided that it would be a project I would work on while we waited for our house to be built.

That third attempt never got completed in 2004.

It sat in my to-do basket for almost eight years.

Then, last month I decided I was going to finish it once and friggin for all.  I don't care how simple, how dorky, how lame, how uncool the album was going to turn out...I was NOT going to ever redo it again.

What is my problem? (Don't answer that.)

Wordless Wednesday, Harrison's 14th Birthday Edition

   

  

  

   

The End Of The Road

Sometimes making the difficult decisions are so hard that we continue to trek along as if everything is A-okay and forget what the inner voice is telling us.

Suddenly, ONE THING happens and it could be a small thing...a phone call not returned, a small lie uncovered, a mean word, being obviously shunned...and then you realize that you are DONE.  You have been thrown overboard.  You can't take one more minute in the cold water and you need to flee from the sinking ship.

It isn't the ONE THING that has caused the riff.  It is that the ONE THING just slapped you across the face and the little person on your shoulder is asking you, "Are you really going to keep taking this bullshit? Do you think it will get any better? Why do you keep putting up with it?"

Then you realize you are at the end of the road.

You can't take another step.

Well, you CAN take another step but it will require one thing first and after that one thing first you both can safely move past the barrier and continue on down the road.

You see, what happens in some relationships is that for a long time...so long, in fact, that you have forgotten how long you have noticed...you put on the back burner all the times that the person has hurt you, that you suddenly can't stand the lies, you can't stand the bullshit, you can't stand the dishonesty.  You want to scream at the person to be REAL and stop living in some fantasy land of make believe where everything is peachy and wonderful and perfect.

You go through the relationship frustrated after every encounter because it is filled with pompousness, with lies, with not facing the truth.  To quote a famous movie line, "You can't handle the truth!"  And, by golly some people certainly can't.  Even when they are insisting they are telling the truth and that YOU tell the truth (ah, the irony).  I wonder, do these people look at themselves in the mirror and BELIEVE the lies? Is it that they have told the lies for so long now that they have become truth?  Do other people see the lies or are they continuing to brush the bullshit under the rug for fear of disrupting the calm waters too?

I guess I have done that for a long time now.  Watched.  Observed.  Experienced.  And time and time again I pushed aside the inner voice, that gut, and told myself that this person doesn't mean to lie and doesn't mean to be untruthful and pompous to the point of obnoxious.  I told myself that maybe I wasn't slighted or replaced on not on the approved list for whatever whacked out reason.  I told myself that if I was a true friend I should overlook flaws...because who doesn't have flaws? But, are we to be doormats for the sake that we should never leave a person stranded and de-friended? What if that person is toxic? A toxicity that you never noticed before because you felt too guilty to cause waves?  And only by stepping back for a minute you can see and reflect that there were many times that the shunning was obvious to the point you are questioning yourself, "does she even care?"  Maybe the person can only be friends with one at a time and when someone new comes into the picture they are all shiny and fresh and unaware of the truth because all they really know are the lies disguised as truth.  The new friend(s) are easy to fill their heads with fabrication because they are, well, NEW.  Like the war stories my dad used to tell over and over and we would all roll our eyes because we have heard them a million times...but, when a new person steps into the picture and they have never heard the war story...A-Ha! A fresh ear! 

And then that ONE THING happens and you realize that you simply and exhaustively can't take it anymore.

You sit by and watch the destruction.  You sit by and listen to the lies.  You sit by and watch the chaos and the fabrication and the pompous attitude and you tell yourself that this is just how this person is.  But then the persona changes a bit and you scratch your head because you just had a great day or evening with that person and the inner feeling and gut must TRULY BE WRONG.  Only, it isn't.  Because then there will be another story, another lie, another episode-a-la-drama and you are right back where you were wondering why in the world you keep doing this to yoruself.

Is it worth it?

I'd like to think that friendships are worth the trouble. 

Which brings me to the ONE THING that is required to move beyond the dead end...for me.

The person needs to come forward and make the first move.  Why, do you ask?  Shouldn't I be willing to come forward if I am half of the relationship?  Let me tell you why.  I have made the first move before.  I have tried to have a conversation about the issues/problems and you know what? It doesn't work because the person lets it float right in one ear and out the other.  She wasn't ready to HEAR THE TRUTH.  She wasn't ready to have Jesus sit at the table and hash and rehash until we are tired and all cried out.  She wants glossy and fun and silly.  She doesn't want to face the fact that something is off and that she must, ultimately, FACE HER OWN TRUTH, which is the only thing that can set her free.  Maybe this sounds dramatic but believe me, it isn't. 

Therefore, the person needs to recognize that maybe she isn't being truthful and honest and that we need to TALK.  A true, coming to Jesus party, where all the lies, the bullshit, the dishonesty, the pompous storytelling, the perfect world is out on the table.  Not for hurt.  Not to be mean.  Not to point fingers and judge. 

And, it has to come from her side.  By recognizing will allow her to initiate the conversation.

We need to come together and get it ALL off our chest.  To be able to address where the lies are lies and the dishonesty is all fake. Where ignoring a person for periods of time is unacceptable.  Where you stand by the person during seriously trying times only to be pushed aside the minute the sun shines through a crack in the window.  Where the bullshit is covered up by globetrotting.  Unless the talk happens, I can no longer continue down the road we've been on.  We've hit the end of the road, I'm afraid.

I think a conversation would also be a chance to tell ME what I have done to cause you to act this way towards me because I know in any relationship there are ALWAYS two sides to any story.  It usually is never just one person.  And I have been to more than one rodeo to know that I am not always innocent.  What have I done that caused you to avoid? Caused you to lie? Caused you to move on so easily? Perhaps I am not approved nor liked by your other half (it happens...I am not a submissive wife who buries her head and doesn't put her voice into the important mix of finances, home, family, everything...and I most certainly wouldn't allow my husband to give me an allowance every week.  I guess I am NOT a 50s type woman and I am proud of that! But, some men, I suppose, don't approve of their wives mingling with me.  Funny side story: my grandfather got mad at my grandmother...who were married in 1921 when times were VERY different...anyway...because my grandmother was teaching ALL HER FRIENDS how to drive and the husbands were ALL COMPLAINING to my grandfather.  I love it.  And you know what?  My grandmother didn't stop! That, is power and strength! Amen. But, I digress).  So, maybe that is part of it? I don't know. (Easier to just leave me out of your life than be forced to deal with your husband?)

In the end of the Coming To Jesus shindig, maybe there is a mutual decision that the time has come to end the relationship.  I would hope that ANY friendship or any relationship would at least offer that much: a chance to speak our minds and get it off our chest in hope to reconcile so that we may once again embark on a friendship of laughter, fun, and trust. 

And, if none of this comes to pass and you have DECIDED to handle our relationship with SILENCE, then I want to say that there was some seriously FUN times.  We had ahellofalot of laughs and giggles and shared some good times over wine and coffee.  There was a time that you would have always been by my side and I would like to think that through all your trials in the almost-decade we have known each other that I have stood by you and comforted you, too. I also want you to know that I don't hate you despite what you may think.  I love you and there will always be a special place in my heart for you.  My intentions are not to hurt you either although I am aware of the power of the written word...but more to bring the separation out on the table so we can be real.  I hope this isn't goodbye, but the ball is now in your court, girlfriend.

Scrapbook Layouts

Here are some of the layouts I have been working on in the last couple of months.  I am looking forward to getting into more of a routine with scrapbooking in the new year and just plug away happily and simply into 2012...

  

  

  

 

The pages I have been working on have been for my yearly Christmas album; the kids and family albums where I scrapbook mainly by month and usually a two-page spread but I only took photos of the one side; and, a few misc. pages using photos that represent some small story I want told.

Believe

Here are my thoughts on Santa.

I have never told my kids "the truth" about Santa.  And, I have NEVER felt I was a bad parent because I was "lying" (Oh please. Give me a break!).  The boys have, I suppose, figured it out.  But, if they were to ask me point blank I will never say he doesn't exist.  I'll mumble something about The Magic Of The Season and distract them similar to when they were five and three and both wanted the same toy.  Worked then and it'll work now.

I also have not for YEARS changed wrapping paper or made anything super secretive...outside of hiding the presents and being careful when delivering them to the tree on Christmas Eve night.

In another words, Santa can live and breathe and exist in our home in whatever context the kids want...forever.

I feel strongly that children are children for such a short time! My God...give them Santa for heaven's sake! They have the rest of their lives for the truth and bills and mortgages and full-time jobs.  I remember an acquaintance who sat her three girls down when they were all under eight and TOLD THEM THE TRUTH because she didn't want to be a parent who lied to her children.  Honestly, this makes my blood boil.  Why do we have to rush our children along these days?

I figured it was only a matter of hours before my daughter figured it out.  I mean, surely all the fifth graders have clued her in by now.  Maybe she keeps it to herself or maybe she keeps the Santa dream alive in her heart (amen), I don't really know.  I did talk to a friend of mine who has a daughter (who is also friends with Jennifer) the same age and she said for a couple of years she has known the truth about Santa but suddenly this year she seems to believe he exists again...I told her maybe she was talking to my daughter!

Surprising to me that this whole secret has lasted as long as it has.  I mean, she is ten and has two older brothers.  But, I will take it for as long as it lasts and try and telepathically communicate with the boys to shut up when Jennifer mentions what Santa is going to bring her, how she wants to leave cookies for Santa, and shows an interest when Santa has left his workshop and heading to Russia on Christmas Eve.

This year she insisted on cookies for Santa.  So, she helped Larry bake a batch of cookies and on Christmas Eve set out the plate for the jolly ole fellow.

I took this picture of her with the plate of cookies because I'm not sure what eleven months will bring to my 11-year old daughter.  Will she still believe? Will she know the truth by then? Will she no longer want to leave cookies for Dad/Santa?

I don't know.  And I wanted to document it this year in case it truly is the last time.  (Look at that smile on her face...so innocent.  I love it.  And, I want to bottle it forever.)

Just A Little Thing

For almost 39 years I saw my dad just about every day and if I didn't see him we talked on the phone.

Therefore, at times little things pop up that remind me of my dad.  Sometimes, as if the thought was plucked from thin air.

Take this morning, for instance.  I was blow-drying my hair like I do every single day.  Today, I turned around so I could (lazily) lean against the counter and I had to pull the cord of the blow-dryer when I realized the cord was twisted to the point that I had to pull, hard, just to get it to reach my new position.

How in the world would blow-drying my hair have anything to do with my dad?

My dad had this thing about always straightening cords that are twisted.  Not an obsessive thing, just something he noticed, and did.  Back when phones had cords (my God, did they ever?) he would always be straightening them and if he found himself anywhere near one of my cords and they were twisted, he untwisted them.

There are a million little moments like that one that I experience at least one on a daily basis.  Thankfully, he is around me all the time.  Not the same, but it's all I got.

Wordless Wednesday, Winter Holiday Edition

(Photos all taken during December, 2012)

Hello, New Friend

Apparently 2012 is the year of electronics for yours truly.

My old computer was beginning to act up on a regular basis.  Not only act up but it was slower than molasses.  Seriously.  It was a daily frustration that was only getting worse.

I bought my Dell laptop when we first moved to Idaho back in late 2004.  Just a couple of years (maybe less) later it died a painful back-light death and we hooked the laptop up to a monitor.  It was a sight.  But, it worked and all was well.  We had that contraption hooked up for five years and across 2500 miles.  A couple of weeks ago Larry bought a new router and while its intention was to make everything else in the house run faster it actually did the opposite to my poor, dying computer and made the damn thing run slower.

So frustrating.

On a daily basis it would take minutes...seriously sit idle for THREE MINUTES...while waiting for your screen to go from a Google search to the site I was looking for.  UGH!  Start up took 20 minutes before I was able to do anything.  Slow, slow, and SLOW.  And, for someone who spends a lot of time on the computer doing research it was becoming FRUSTRATING just trying to navigate throughout the internet.  It would lock up, freeze, need to be restarted.  All. The. Time.

Larry finally suggested that maybe it is time to think about another computer.  So, after he researched some we went last week and picked up my new laptop.  It is fast and big and shiny and all the keys are intact, already a good sign.

I love being able to have a laptop again...yesterday I spent all day at the kitchen table so I could be in the same room as everyone...which I commented on until I realized that I should be grateful I have a big ole office here but it is at the total opposite end of the house.  Anyway, I like being able to update blogs, search the internet, do a little research, write, whatever...in any room I want to be in.  Of course, I still need Larry to help me unplugging all the parts, but I'll get it eventually.

I am not a big spender on stuff just because a wild hair has gotten up my ass and I want something new and fast and shiny.  However, for me to do the work I intend to do this year I need something that will be faster and allow me to navigate through the internet at much faster speeds.  I am happy with her, my new friend.

Over the weekend Larry said he was on my computer because it is his job in this marriage to make sure that my life with my new friend runs smoothly and without any glitches.  I keep him fed and he makes sure my computer is always running correctly.  Hey, it works. 

Anyway.

He said he was doing a little research and discovered some Book thing that allows me to download books a-la-Kindle.  In fact, he tells me, he found about four free Gettysburg books...and isn't that great?

Wait just a minute.

If he thinks the laptop is going to make me forget about the Kindle I just spend half a year trying to justify, he has another thing coming.  I don't think so.  Which is what I tell him.  And, honestly I can't read-read like that online.  I can research and edit but I can't focus on an entire book on a laptop.  No.  "Nice try" is what I tell him.

My old computer, you know the friend I so easily pushed aside for the newer, brighter, faster (hey!), more fun friend I am in love with now, has moved onto the desk in the laundry room and the kids have been able to go onto itunes and Jennifer can go onto Webkins because no one is allowed to even breathe on my laptop.  In fact, bells will sound if anyone comes too close.

I have never allowed my kids on my computer but as they got older it seemed hard to withhold because they had to research things and type assignments and download music from itunes.  When Larry moved back I wasn't as concerned because I knew if something happened to my old Betty that at least we still had his...because the minute the kids went on my computer I would start having problems.  Now, between Larry's computer and my old one I can now enjoy my newest BFF in peace.

And she is fun.  And shiny.  And fast.  And simply lovely.  Makes me excited for the new year and all the writing possibilities.  But, I'm still getting a Kindle.

Who's Ready To Do Some Reading??

We have officially begun our Book Club of 2012. If you are interested in joining us in person, drop me an email and I will fill you in on more details. Otherwise, if you want to participate online, all you have to do is grab the book and join the discussion at the end of every other month.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post about the book club, we have decided to pick one book and have two months to read it before the online/in person discussion.

Therefore, there will be 6 books to read in 2012 and all of them are from a different genre. We worked hard at trying to find authors and books that were out of our norm to some degree...or, at least out of the norm of most readers...especially if you are used to reading one genre or the same authors over and over. Hopefully this will expand your reading repertoire and expose you to some new favorites. Like the books or dislike the books...it is all fine. That is the point to a book club. Not every book is going to be a winner but hopefully we will have meaningful discussions and garner a new insight or two.

If you have read any of the books and would still like to participate, that's great too! If you only want to read a few but not all...you decide. Hopefully you will embrace the challenge of reading (maybe) outside your comfort zone and for ones who enjoy the genres we picked maybe you will discover a new author.

Book One
January/February
Genre: Mainstream Fiction
"Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet" by Jamie Ford
290 pages
3.90 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date: Thursday, March 1 at 7pm

Book Two
March/April
Genre: Historical Fiction
"The Killer Angels" by Michael Shaara
360 pages
4.14 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date: Thursday, May 3 at 7pm

Book Three
May/June
Genre: Western
"Year of the Horse" by Justin Allen
320 pages
3.43 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date: Thursday, June 28 at 7pm

Book Four
July/August
Genre: Humor
"Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore
444 pages
4.26 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date:  Thursday, August 30 at 7pm

Book Five
September/October
Genre: Thriller
"Before I go to Sleep" by S.J. Watson
358 pages
3.81 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date: Thursday, November 1 at 7pm

Book Six
November/December
Genre:  Chick Lit
"Between Friends" by Debbie Macomber
416 pages
3.99 rating on GoodReads
Meeting date: Thursday, January 3, 2013 at 7pm

There you have it.  The complete list.  I will make a list and post them on the left side of my blog for easy viewing.

You may notice that the meetings aren't always during that second month but in some instances, close.  The reason behind the dates is we tried to be careful to realize holidays, busy times, etc.  So, hopefully those dates will work and in some cases give you an extra few days.

We also tried hard to match the books and the months with care keeping in mind the busier months and the length of the book.  For instance, the humor book we felt didn't quite seem right to put that in the months where we are in the middle of lent and celebrating Easter...so, instead we put that big book (it is the biggest book but felt it would be an easy read due to the humor aspect) right in the middle of summer when days are long and carefree.  We put the thriller appropriately during the early fall when Halloween just calls out to read something with some blood pumping possibilities.  We felt the chick lit category fit easily into the "winter holidays" months because it would be a feel good, light-ish read during a normally busy time. We started with the mainstream because that seems to be the most popular genre.  And, hopefully after reading a mainstream jumping into a historical fiction (if you aren't used to reading those) will be a little easier.  Lastly, the western we wedged in May and June which may be a busy time if you have kids in school (May) but also coincides with the beginning of summer vacation and five weeks without school...plus, the western book is one of the smaller books with only a tad over 300 pages.

I will be back to discuss the books the day AFTER the book club meetings...so, please feel free to jump in at any time and offer up your thoughts, good or bad, about the book.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the list as well...

In the meantime, HAPPY READING!

p.s. the books can all be found (at the time of this posting) at Hastings bookstores.  Most, I'm sure, can be obtained through the library as most of them are not new books so checking them out of the library should not be a problem.  I found a couple at Costco and of course there are so many other options.  We will also have at least one copy of every book so if you can't find it anywhere...just send me an email...and you can borrow our copy.